Quotes: Third Quarter, 2015

6-26 
Eric Melin: That's me with the tennis racket dressed like Gene Simmons. 

Eric: We are changed. 

Jason Elm: They're a hateraid drinking group of folks. 

Brendan O'Shaughnessy: Work like a captain. Play like a pirate. 

7-22
Me: Please tell me there are sloth memes.
Lauren: There are, and I found all of them. 

7-23
Lauren: You shut your mouth, man girl!

Jonny: Are you a dad perchance?
Dane: Fuck no! Just an exceptionally immature 23 year old. 
Jonny: Acceptable. 
Dane: The only children I'm interested in are my cats. 

Lauren: "Thanks for setting us up!" This is not a setup! This is a casual encounter! 

Lauren: That sip tasted like dirt. 

7-31 
Alex: He's looking at photos of... Is that bacon or steak?
Rob: it's sickle cell anemia. 

Woodge: I feel like it would be a good addition to my deep fry Barbie McDonald's.

Woodge: I need a giraffe on my head. 

8-5 
Rob: I think you're pretty grandeur. 

8-8 
Me: They were just talking about you. 
Ryan: Do they think I'm cute? 

8-9 
Rob after burping at a bag in his hand: I was speaking to these ancient beans in their ancient tongue.

8-19
Jason Elm: I had chances to leave, but never a reason. 

Jason: They can take your execution, but they can never take your idea. 

Jason: Capabilities don't give you expertise. 

Jason: Compromise up.

8-21 
Joey: Bitches have night vision. 

8-25 
Suzanne: Maybe that's the key—we need to get our clients high. 
Angie: I'll just be over here rolling for you guys. 

9-4 
Steve: we can walk through there if you want to smell like axe body spray for the next week. 

9-5 
Nick: Hey, Spencer! Want some whiskey and coke? 
Spencer: uh, duh! -takes the whole glass- 

9-11
Mom: Pelicans are assholes, but adorable to look at. 

9-13
Rob: Fine art's not going camping. 

9-18
Rob: And I can see daylight in her crotch area! 

Quotes: Second Quarter, 2015

4-6
Rob: I watched a three-minute commercial on the internet today. It was for Friskies.

4-16
Jason: What's up with this little pile of chocolate, granola, and Tums?

4-25
Mom: Her legs are very wrinkly, like ET wrinkly.

4-30
Rob: I had a realization the other day at IKEA... Butterfly tattoos are a deal breaker.

Rob: I was not born an old man.

5-9

Lyn: It's like having an orgasm.

5-10 

Dad: Are U2 queer?

5-11 

Mom: I am not a touch fucker.

5-11 

Woodge: I like the holocaust

Woodge: Honey, you've dated a couple of lost boys.

5-16 

Me: You have a website?
Jake: You didn't google me?

5-21 

Jake: A4 is mathematically sexy.

5-23
Me: I'd be okay if the zombie apocalypse happened today.
Rob: ...I don't have that many bullets.

Me: I'm going to start sending you boxes of stuff.
Rob: Yes! I love boxes. They can even be empty.

5-24

Ryan: He plays a fife.

5-31
Rob: This sandwich is going to be messy.

Me: That's okay, I'll just eat it with a fork.
Rob: No! You cannot eat it with a fork!
Me: Why does that bother you so much?
Rob: Because we have forks! Right here! -spirit fingers-

Rob: Close your eyes. Smell this. Doesn't that make you want to be a pirate?

6-5 

Rob: You're basically walking through a sea of worthless.

Rob: Punch him in the dick like a grown woman.

6-6 

Rob: I am laughing like a crazy person alone in my apartment.

6-12 

Nick Garvey: Why does everyone that shops at Walmart look like toes?

6-17 

Alistair: I'm just an immigrant.

6-24
Brooke: All we did is hunt and forage.
Lauren: I thought you said, "all we ate was porridge."

6-25
Brooke: Do you have walker's cough, Lauren?

Steve: One of my big goals in life right now is to chill with a penguin. 

Quotes: First Quarter 2015

1-5
Jesus: You're the most sophisticated robot I've ever met.

1-9
Bartender at Manifesto after a woman laughs obnoxiously one too many times: 
Jesus Christ with this lady!

Bartender at Manifesto: He was a belligerent whistler.

1-10
Steve: We're like the United Nations of the Midwest.

1-21
Steve: Where'd you get it at? The podcast store?

2-7
Jeff: Hi, I'm Spider-Man.

Jeff: My body loves pollen.

JB: Do you have the lighter?
Jeff: It's blue, or it's green. It should stick out.
JB: That's not the question that I asked you.

2-8
JB: We don't set the table. That's what the help does.

2-13
Rob: I'm a cheap Jew bastard, and I'm not even Jewish.

2-14
Mom: I'm eating icing out of the can with a fork.

2-15
Rob: The water pressure is like a kid peeing on you.

2-15
Rob: I have Internet on my phone.

2-17

2-20
Ron: If you had one wish...
Me: -goes into a detailed explanation of my one wish for the podcast-
Steve: I would COMPLETELY second that, but if I had a second wish...

1-23
Kristen: My hand looks like it got scratched by a cat, but really I just wore a really sparkly dress.

2-28
Rob: I don't pray, but I'll hope to Satan.

Rob: I'm not above that; I'll beat up a homeless man.

3-1
Max: No corporate Bambi face.

3-6
Johnna: My pants just unbuttoned.

Johnna: I do not have plastic legs.

3-7
Max: That's what Mickey Mouse says about liquor.

Cavery: I punted a cat once.

3-11
Jason: What's going on here? What kind of Amish are these?!

3-13
Nick: I know you well enough to know that it's the April Ludgate Dwyer factor of your personality

3-16
Arla CEO: We're a very liberal country. Inventors of porn. ...back in '68.

3-17
Nicole: Am I going to suffocate? I have to sleep facing up so I don't die! They're too fluffy!

3-21
Rob: It's because he has wizard powers.

3-23
Rob: I seriously got distracted by her head. 

Quotes: Third & Fourth Quarter 2014

7-10

Anthony: My head's on the path. Someone's gonna run it over.

7-17

Anthony: You're snark. Just go full Tony Snark on her.

7-17

Johnna: Dude, Pocahontas is fucking hot.

Julie: Am I playing against Xena warrior princess?

7-22

Rachel: You're more of the Cinderella-holding-a-grenade type.

7-31

Woodge: What can P&L stand for? Pussy and lighter fluid.

8-7

Jason: I thought I'd be drinking a bunch of beer, but I ended up drinking a bunch of tea. What am I doing? Do you have some whiskey to put in here? Because I'm kind of feeling lame.

9-4

Timothy Goodman: 

9-16

Joshua: I hate to admit this as a guy, but pink stuff always tastes better.

10-3

Mo: I was like a ninja... With my pants down.

10-4

Chris C.: Lotta disableds.

10-6

Lyn: I'm seeing cactus!

10-16

Steve: Did I miss the dick butts?

10-19

Kyle: You mean all I have to do is give three hours of work for a sticker? I'm in.

10-21

Johnna: I'm over here having demon talk with my friend Brycen.

11-7

Hung Liu: A part of me always looks up to see the sky.

11-14

Matt: You guys wanna go to a white Walmart?

11-15

Johnna: He's better when he's sad.

11-27

Dad: I've never lived in Ferguson.

12-5

Nick: Thank you, young man.

Jake: You're welcome, large child.

12-6

Katie: You have awkwardly warm hands.

Caroline to Maryanne referring to a veil for church: Do I have to put something on my head?

12-8
Me: Are you trying to fist bump or punch me?

Jesús: Clearly I'm punching you, but it's loving, like a boxer who can't flirt properly.

12-13

Alex: I only use my gun to kill things.

12-19

Tad: I'm from Kansas City fucking Missouri.

12-22

Nicole: It's just misting. I feel like I'm in the produce isle.

12-28

Dad after changing outfits too many times: I'm going to have to take another shower.

Dad: You got your girdles and things, and I've got my underwear.

12-31
Nathan: For my birthday, can I have some drugs?

Max: What kind of drugs?

Nathan: Allergy drugs.

Cavery: ...and your name is Sheldon.

Quotes: Second Quarter 2014

4-2
Vedran: I love Sinh. He's my little... -whispers- bitch.
Danel: Princess. He meant to say princess.

4-4
Anton: fuck off, you robot bitch.

4-6
Rob: my freezer is full of body.

Rob: let's stab it.

4-8
C3: Shark Dad must be an asshole.

4-15
Emily: Who am I!?

4-16
C3: Rabies is rabies

4-19
Rob: It's big as a small baby.

Rob: You need the fucking bible.

4-20
Rob: I was squeezing.

4-26
Julia: are there black children up there dancing? Because if not, I'm not going.

Julia: Maybe god will come into my arms.

4-28
Chris: I wanna use that (pointing to the coffee roaster).
Me: Roast some beans?
Chris: I'm gonna put skittles in there.

5-3
Rob: Take me drunk.

5-23
Shea: When people talk to me like I'm dumb, I start unbuttoning my shirt.

5-27
Quinn: The paparazzi is here.
Ellie: And you're so fabulous.

6-2
Jake: Abby, does this change your heart?

Jake: I'm a wild cheetah. See that? That's wild.

6-10
Jake: I want to go back where I came from.
Mike: Why?
Jake: I like screaming.

Anthony: You should sext him.

6-11
Anthony: I'd rather be somewhere new with you than home.

6-12
Jake: I don't have powers. I need blue eyes to have powers.

Nick Garvey: Drug Forcement.

6-13
Anthony: Cards V Humes card
Woodge: Casual leotard.

Woodge: You're wearing a Polo Jeans Ralph Lauren shirt, which is how I know you didn't go to Harvard.

Anthony: Spiders for the heaven.

Woodge: This is what I look like in the 70s.

Woodge: Merca!? Fuck.

Me: What are we doing?
Woodge: ...Calzones.

6-14
Anthony: You rock me like a shark nado.

Quotes: First Quarter 2014

12-30
Danel: I don't want to hurt you. I just want to pet you to death.

12-31
Shea: Pretend he's a girl.

Me: I'm not judging too hard. Aloud.
Rob: I can hear it!

Rob about his car: It's hot like a weight lifting chick.

1-3-14
Nhu: I saw sausages in the kitchen.

Mark: LG? They make TVs and ice makers.

C3: Ooh you're making me giggle.

C3: She has puppy-pecia.

1-7
M2: Well this... was a waste... of my time. ...Ooh! Markers!!

1-9
Danel: Those were some nice kicks.
Me: Thanks. I can kick higher when I don't have these boots on.
Danel: You only have to kick this high to take me out.

1-10
C3: I killed a biker for this jacket. I killed him with a chain. I wasn't wearing a shirt. I got cut up and dirty, but not too dirty

1-15
Nhu: Is there a word for self-torture?
C3: Masochism.
Nhu: Assafixem?

C3: You're a grown woman. You know what boobs look like.
Nhu: Not a black woman's.

Nhu takes a sip of C3s coffee: Black coffee. Takes a sip of her own coffee: Sugar coffee.

Rob: If your dog were a human it'd be a crayon eater.

Rob: Just call me the waffle whisperer.

1-16
Rob: I brought you meat.

1-17
Rob: "Creeper" would be me sitting in the room with all the lights off laughing.

Rob: All I want right now... is Lee's Chicken.

Rob: What do you want from me? Perfection? I know what I want from me... Lee's Chicken.

1-25
Mom: It became this layer of fuck-tastic stuff...

1-26
Rob: I don't want you to see my gimp suit.

Rob: You're really going to make me play this for you to prove I'm not full of shit.
Me: I know you're not full of shit.
Rob: Alright. To impress you then.

Rob: And only you and I know we're going to wear it out like a dirty whore.

Rob: I'm really glad to see you. You bring sanity to my world.
Me: I'm the sane part of your life? That's kind of sad.
Rob: Don't under value yourself.

1-29
Rob: His proportions are wrong.
Howard: He was drawn wrong?
Rob: The big drawer in the sky.... was on Hydrocodone.

1-30
Rob: Last time it was the big hairy guy with the penis. What should we do this time?

Me: Can you feel my glare?
Rob: It burns!

1-31
C3: Well now what am I gonna do? I guess I'll get pretty drunk and go shoot guns tomorrow.

2-1
C3: My feet is too dry.

2-3
Me: You suck
Doner: That's what I do.

2-7
Danel: Well I mean... If you think about it... If you stab someone with an icicle it would just melt and leave a hole. "The perfect murder. He was stabbed with an icicle..." So yeah that'll cost you twenty bucks.

Budde: Don't spank my ass. Get it.

2-11
Mark: everybody loves me and talk bad about me when I go home.

Rob: Abby needs to be here right now. We'd giggle like two little bitches.

Wilson: He made me put the teapot on the coaster.

2-12
Danel: I don't like sticky things on my phone. It kind of freaks me out.

Danel about Sinh: His biscuit head is too top heavy. It makes him fall over.

2-14
Mike Ly: I hate this guy over here. See? All he does is serenade me.

Dawn: Speaking of friends... Where's my goddamn wake and bake?

Wilson: Well. Long story. I'm waiting for him to finish a poem and a D&D character.

2-15
Me: Just for the record I did not strip for this dollar.
Nick: Just for the record he (Anthony) probably did.

2-16
Ellie: Can my kindle do that? Just say no.

2-18
Danel: Hoodie. What the hell.

Mark: See? When I google it I get beanie babies.

2-19
Danel: You're not salty like a biscuit. You're sweet. "You're a sour patch." Fuck you.

2-22
Noelle: No problem, Nebraska.

2-23
Noelle: False hopes, Wyoming

2-25
Jessica. This is where we keep our community food, like Sriracha and tea...

2-27
Joe: Tea?
Andy: Tea? I love you. I want your babies.

3-1
Joe E.: When in doubt, shove it in your slot.

3-8:
Josh Stafaniack: What did you get her, a jar full of hate?

3-11
Nick Garvey: I think the drummer is a paranoid schizophrenic

3-15
Caroline: Her middle name isn't Slut.

Mom: Think you can hold it steady?
Caroline: I'm not sure.

Caroline: Fuck the Lent bullshit.

Katie: I should spit on Kristen.

3-18
Vedran: nenenenenenene
Me: That was not a batman noise.
Vedran: I got excited.

C3: I should be a parrot.

3-21
Rob: I wanna go to the white trash capital of MO this spring.
Me: Jeff city has some of the best ice cream. Central Dairy. Mmm.
Rob: I definitely meant Six Flags.

3-28
Me: Are you done signing that card yet?
Doner: All I've done is draw nipples so far.

3-31
Rob: You're such a fragile flower.

Mark: Hey! Did you see my hammock?!
Doner... Worst sexual innuendo ever.

Me: Do you ever feel like you're making potions?
Rob: YES! ...yes.

Quotes: Fourth Quarter 2013 (most of them, anyway...)

Due to a glitch, a chunk of the quote list was sadly lost forever in a sea of technological misfortune. On the plus side, the quotes that remain intact are worth the read :) 

10-1 

Cash: I will wear a helmet. 

10-2
Mark: ...we keep him in the basement. 

Rob: It's like drinking a campfire. 

Rob: I'm like a 14 year old girl....

10-3 
Sinh: I never shower. Fuck that. 

Steve: Actually, I'm waiting for my gun so I can get the hell out of here!

Druid: I've got a case of princessites.

Rob: You fucking suck. At life. 

10-4 
Rob: I guess I could be Robin... 

Rob: What if I don't want him to do it?

Vedran: I trimmed my Serbian beard. 

C3: they're pleated. They hide stuff. 

C3: I don't know what he's looking at down there. 

Cash: I'll text you if I'm funny. 

10-7 
C3: So what do you do when you're not wearing sweaters and drinking beer?

Cash: Isn't that the plot of Jurassic Park?

Chris Seaton: I could probably tackle an Australian / New Zeland gal. 

10-9 
Rob: I used to think capers were gross, too. Then I grew up. 

Rob: You can't have Fritos?!

10-10 
Cash: If this text conversation was about to be a college level research paper, that would be the motherfucking hook, my friend. 

10-9
Rob: I just learned that Sprite is the number one drink for helping with a hangover. I don't really like sprite, but I'd give it a try. 

9-10: Rob walks in and sets a giant bottle of sprite on my desk. 

10-9

Mark: The last time I tried to program my garage door opener using a YouTube, I opened my neighbor's. 

10-11
Mark: If you are not Scottish a kilt is just a skirt. 

Nhu: They have happy hour from 2-6

C3: Every hour is happy for me.

Mark: Every hour is not happy for me. I will not sugar coat it. 

Rob: Do not take anything I say seriously unless I say..."I'm serious."

Rob: Facebook is for children. 

Rob: This is how you make me feel when you order me to do things...

 

Mark: I just need you to find me the fairies. 

Cash: Tegan and Sara are my spirit animal. 

Woodge: Let's just call it a rapey bar. 

Woodge: I know you're friends with him, but it looks like he dyed his hair with koolaid.

Cash: I'm about 87% sure he did. 

Cash: You're interesting. 

Woodge: Thanks. I'm 30.

Cash: Do you want me to get more wood? Do you want me to blow on it?

Cash: You make me happy on a spiritual level. 

Woodge: I love this night. Lets give hugs. 

Woodge: Ducks like meth. 

Cash: If I ever own a duck... 

Woodge: He doesn't have teeth.

10-12 
Rob: I'm like a little girl. Bladder the size of a thimble. 

10-15 
Jax: That's not what I'm trying to say. The monkey is not in the oven. 

10-17 
Me: Is that a burn mark?

Mark: Yes. I set it on fire. 

10-18 
C3: Do you think that truck is full of blood?

C3: I'm gonna go pee in the alley.

THIS IS WHERE THE TRADGEDY STRUCK AND SEVERAL GREAT QUOTES WERE LOST....

10-30

Cash: It's thicker than I'm used to.

Cash: Weird place for the trail to be

Cash: That's one thing Jim Beam has on candy...

10-31 
Mark: That would be gay.

Mark: I find great release in ironing.

Mark: Dogs don't count. Especially starving weird ones.

11-2 
Cash: If I could give one thing to the block...

Cash: Card master and picking thumbs. 

11-3 
Cash to me: Settle down, White Fang.

Me: What kind of pizza do you like?
Cash: Baby making music.

11-7 
Vedran: Anyone listen to the new Eminem album?
Me: Yes. Love it.
Vedran: Tits.

11-13 
C3: If you wear a suit without gloves you look like a business man. If you wear a suit with gloves you look like an assassin.

Cash: You made a waffle called The Smith & Wesson?
Me: I did indeed...
Cash: Marriage material. 

Rob: ... But if you fuck up my fu-man...

Rob: I look like a catfish.

11-15
Vedran: Sinh, I'm going to visit you this weekend and chop your fingers off.

C3: Why is everyone laughing today? FROWN!

Doner: Thumb meat butt.

C3: That was a joke about domestic violence. It was funny.

Garvey: I don't know what this is. "Stockholm syndrome?" Am I retarded?
Me and c3: Yes.

Anthony: When I popped what came out?
Garvey: A defective condom would have been good....

C3: BAM! ...call me Emeral.

C3: I bite my thumb at thee!
Anthony: Well I give you the raspberries.

Garvey: That's because Mexico is dirty.

C3: Dammit she loves pterodactyl eggs! She fucking loves pterodactyl eggs!

Anthony: I can fix it! ...I can't fix it.

Anthony pushes the table, and looks around confused: Oh. I meant to scoot myself.

Garvey: She's a fat fucking bitch.
Me: I thought you loved her.
Garvey. I do.

Anthony. That wasn't even funny, but I laughed at it.

Garvey: HAHAHA! Iiiiii need to look this up.

Anthony: Actually those look like the gloves you'd wear when you kill someone...

11-19 
Rob. I'm offering you an egg. I'm offering you an egg, and you're laughing at me.

Rob: Do you like peas?

C3: The sun will come out tomorrow
Cash: Doubt it.

11-20 
Joe: My sister used to throw scissors at me.

Me: I'm working on my stop motion.
Cash: Me too. As in, I've stopped moving.

Doner: That's ok. I was too busy emailing you from the future.
M2: That was you?!

11-21 
Rob: feels like a bad moon rising...

11-22
Sinh: Danel!
Danel: What!?
Sinh: It works.
Danel: Oh my god. Here I come.

Seaton: It's a tri-win-da

Seaton: Oh! Here's me in a turtle shell.

Seaton: I have a chest, too.

11-23
Garvey. I like the Latino bitch.
Cash: She's Israeli.

Random guy at Picassos: One of my buddies... Is writing a book.... About dragons.

Garvey: Cupboards!? I like people that say "cupboards." Ah. Sorry. Continue.

Cash: Have you ever tasted a real man?

11-24 
Shea: I like murder.

Shea: He's tiny and he's fast, and he can fit under trees!

Ellie: Oh my god. This is not my favorite song.

Shea. I'm just tired from getting low.

11-25 
M2: I got shocked in the ear hole the other day...

11-26 
Rob: .... I just saw Steve running.

Rob: ... Can I just pet her??

11-27 
Shanesha: That pie was amazing. I wanna put it in some ice cream... Or a milkshake... I need a nap.

11-29
Mom. I need my.... Get it for me!

Druid's Nick: Who licked me?

11-30 
Rob: Definitely had dreams with raccoons in them last night.

Me: What is it with you and those gloves?
C3: They separate me from this filthy world.

Rob: Wanna make sausage?

12-2
Me: That actually made me really happy.
Rob: Are you blushing?

Vedran to Sinh: Shut up. Go back to your zone. Nobody likes you.

12-4 
Hitler was pretty awesome.

Howard: I'm a guy. There's blue and orange and pink... And sometimes you mix them and get different colors...?

12-5 
Rob: You know how many people are not coordinated? Lots.

Rob: Look. I even found one that's small and broken for you.

Rob: Have you ever thought about genocide?

Rob. Sausage making bee man.

Rob: From butts to wieners.

12-6
Nhu: Are you ok?
Vedran: I'm drunk.

M2: Hey, Danel is here!
Vedran: Let's punch him in the throat!

12-7 
C3: I love man meat.

C3: At least you don't have a crappy little hand.

Anthony: What's a figgy pudding?

C3 Do I touch it?

12-10
Rob: Shoot me
Me: Only if you shoot me first
Rob: Aww. It's like a death pact. How cute.

Me: Why do you keep bees?
Rob: it's like having 60,000 little pets.

Rob: hahahajajajaha... That was me laughing partly in Spanish.

12-12 
Rob one of these days I'm going to wear my wrestling clothes and then your ass is mine.

Rob: my jeans aren't that tight.

Cash: Oh nom nom nom. Daddy issues.

Cash: I look like a pink candle kind of guy.

C3: Rube-in-stine

12-3 
Cash: I have a tongue like iron

12-24 
Starbucks guy: She's like a chinchilla. She takes baths in dust.

12-28
Jake: I really want to go back to my family.

Shea: Know what I like about drag queens?

12-29 
Caroline: Someone needs a nap. And it's me.