Tyler: Tom? I have a questions about tea.
Tyler to Tom: Do all British people have short arms?
Lance: I don't want water beetle friends….
Kidwell Hugs Dmitri: You're a big guy!
Kidwell Hugs Bryan Jones: You're a little guy!
Lance: I want to go out in a field and Sound-of-Music it.
Kyle Turner: Someone asked me what purpose cats serve… Let me put it this way, we bought 40 pounds of dog food… and zero pounds of cat food. That's all I'm saying…
Kelsey: Roley poley dumpy babies living off bagel bites.
Tracy: I'm going to have to drink a beer right here in the walmart parking lot.
Kendall: A beetle! A grasshopper! I love nature!
Tyler: I heard someone say "chillax" the other day and I almost punched him in the face.
Kyle Turner: You know that if you get too many artistic people in a room we all just end up painting each other...
Dad: It's like I have baby ass hair on my head.
Katie: Is your happy place full of unhappy people?
Peter Kromberg: These lies get more outrageous each year.
Mom to Nick: Does it not make you feel gay at all to judge the temperature of the bathroom water?
Mom: I like to play Sink the Splenda.
Tom! Look! Turkeys!
Tom: Dexety dang dang dang. I was so excited I didn't know what to say.
Cam P.: if and when you get married, could i sing at your wedding?
Mom: Percocet humor.
Elsie: I want to dry my hair outside in the wind.
Maria: He says his dad kicked him in the head when he was a kid.
Lauren: Like a lot?
Dad: I always wait for your smile. It makes me bright inside.
Joe from Rise Against: You going to the show tonight?
Me: I wish I could, but no.
Joe: Awe, then I don't want to go either.
Jake (covered in a Rams blanket): I'm a witch.
Me: You look more like a ghost.
Jake (still covered in the Rams blanket): I'm a ghost.
Starbucks guy: Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get started for you today?
Me: I actually need a minute if that's okay.
Starbucks guy: Sure take your time. Just let me know when you're ready.
Me: Okay thanks.
Starbucks guy: -starts humming the jeopardy theme song-
Me: ugh. You suck.
Jenn: Is that the town with the white squirrels?
Jessica: God, I hope so!
Me: What's that sound?
(the other) Micah: Wolves. Howling.
Me: It kind of hurts.
Dad: I know. It's like sucking in your brain.
Kristi: How special is it? Like on a scale of 1-10? Like 0 being plain toast and 10 being unicorns?
Dad: I gotta quit doing that. Now I'm dizzy.
Mike (age 8): Do you know what patience is?
Jake (age 3): I'm gonna beat you down.
Me to my dad: Do you like cherries?
Mom: I like cherries if they come in the form of pie.
Amanda: I'm breathing in my mouth from anger.
Amanda: It's like titanic smooth jazz.
Sue: It took my mom a year and a half to deliver.
Grandpa: There are several buckets of dirt.
Mom: That's a whole potato that didn't get mashed in.
Sue: I told you it was lumpy.
Aaron: What kind of coffee is this? I went to McDonald's once and didn't realize you have to do all that shit yourself.
Mo: I'm gonna touch your boob by the end of the night.
Mo: … shitting in the sink …
Mo: I was trying to heel-fight you. Just do it!
Mo to Eli: You look like a gay.
Mom: I got to use my tambourine today.
Mom: Greg got Mike a Chia Obama head.
Dad: But that's what I wanted…
Mom: You don't want to watch Justin Queerber
Dad: The Beibs?
Dad: Hun? I put hairspray under my arms. I don't know what to do.
Greg: I'm going to go choke on a button.