Thursday, October 5, 2017

Quote List: Third Quarter, 2017

7-5 
Stag: Hope you can read my writing. I studied at the institute of calligraphy for inebriated chickens.

7-7
Rob: So it's "we" when you're drinking? 

7-12
Titus: I read one book a year, and that's The Great Gatsby.

Dan: All the old people in this commercial are dead now. 

7-20 
Stag: The weapon of joy....dick nickname...called it!

Stag: Can't change hotdogs in the middle of the river.

Stag; Well if my tastes aren't "palatable" you might jerk the wheel into a goddamned dutch bridge abutment.

7-22
AJ: ...that song is about breakfast food. 

7-27 
Stag: Redneck smith life struggle is real: Gluing leather to a block fore a new strop with spray adhesive...arm was stuck to my computer desk... Thought I caught myself with the mist... It was bbq sauce from my ribs tonight.

7-29
Trent: Awww look at this quaint little town. ...I could never fucking live here. 

8-5
Johnna: That's easy to remember; "Cock."
Abby: Cock is always easy to remember, even when you wish you could forget. 

8-10
Mom: Who needs the eclipse when I can just be blinded by texts from my kids! 

8-12
LA: That makes sense; Opium. 

Stag: So we're talking 1 out of 3 on incest. Bad odds. 

8-17
Dan: Rooney's Facebook page is like all snakes, all the time. 

8-26 
LA: ...we called him Party Pockets.

8-28
Stag: Don't pass the buck. 
Me: I always pass the buck. 'Tis why I'm broke. 

8-29
Nick: I need more Christmas tree.  

9-8
Stag: Expand that. Make seams, not division. 

Stag: I no homo. Barely homo sapien. 

Stag: I'm slightly soberer. 

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Quote List: Second Quarter, 2017

4-5
Steve: At least you can avoid that conflict...
Me via Steve: I don't mind conflict when I get my way.

4-19
Alan: ...Spyrates.

4-28
Stag: It's my fault for ordering a boys-size small. Men-sized pants just don't make my ass look good.

5-1
Adella: Just give him a bag of meat-flavored dick cookies.

5-2
Me: I'm just making sure I'm answering your actual question. You tend to word things in ways that have a lot of potential outcomes.
Stag: I played too many RPGs growing up. Sorry.

5-5
Nick Schulte: I ordered a hundred... or maybe fifty...? I ordered fucking paper towels.

Me: I sent my inner fat kid to fat camp for the summer.
Max: That's like conversion therapy!

5-8
Stag about my pink prof pic: Very pretty counter to your barbaric nature.

5-9
Grable: Don't damn me because I make you smile.

5-11
Stag: I am a bear... and I am balls deep.

Stag: ...See...this is how Hiroshima and Nagasaki happened.

Lillie: Process is fridge-worthy.

5-12
Stag: I'd rather eat that then put it on my body.

5-13
Me via Johnna: I'm thinking about getting a hermit crab.
Johnna: You want a hermit crab?
Me: Not really; I'm just lonely and want something to take care of.

5-18
Michael: You haven't gotten to the Hodor scene yet.
Robby: I think you mean Mordor...

Stag. Fair. Ducuntish, but fair.

5-21
Me while painting a house: Having fun yet?
Stag: There's a reason I was born German and not Mexican.

Stag: Grow up, and act 14 like the rest of us.

5-28
Bobby: I'm not saying he's a fridge digger...

6-8
Titus: Have you ever seen a midget move a couch?

6-14
Andrew: What the fuck is happening with lunch? I'm about to either freak out or pass out.

6-16
Chris: We're talking about dozens of dollars in bitcoins, Nick.

6-26
Andrew: You sound like the office drunk uncle.


Saturday, April 1, 2017

Quote List: First Quarter, 2017

12-27ish 
Stag: Aww fuck you, ya twat... How's that for sappy?
Me: You still said "aww," ya poof. 


1-2
Mila (8 years old): You smell like beer and bacon. 

1-12
Stag: I grammatically fucked that so hard all my children will just be vowel sounds.

1-28
Stag: Feels like I dropped on concrete. 

Adella: Why are you speaking in a British accent?
Bobby: Because Stag.

1-30
Rob: I am in the bathroom, and the lights went out (motion), and I am pooping in total darkness.

1-31 
Mom: I love you more than ferrets playing in clear tubes. 

2-4
Neil: you can't make white paint... Well I mean someone can...

2-11
Stag: People tell me I'm opinionated. I try to quell the backlash.

2-13
Me: You have glitter in your beard.
Zach: It's probably been there for years. 

2-17
Adella: As the hands get smaller, I start sucking more. 

3-2
Nick: I got busted by the manager at Dierbergs while putting up wiggly eyes the second time; I was banished. ...I wasn't banished, but we locked eyes and it was mutually understood that both the eyes and myself had to go. 

3-7 
Me: I feel like your super power would be to lift an empty glass and automatically have a new gin and tonic.
C3: That's just called alcoholism, you insensitive cunt. 

3-13
Me: How do you pronounce the name of this city?
Bookshop guy: What's the fastest town in Ireland? Tuam (chooom) 

3-25
Stag: See? That's love. I wouldn't do math for you people. 

3-30
Me (as requested by Johnna): If I were into forcing things, I'd be dating the stalker I had in high school. 

As Requested by Johnna: 
Johnna: Hey, Abby, what's this look like?
Me: Dick.






Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Quote List: Forth Quarter, 2016

10-6
Del: I've heard that if you count to 8 sneezes, you die.... I get to six, and tears start rolling because I'm saying goodbye to people.

10-7
Rob: Look at her calves! They're so small! They're like beef medallions!

10-14
Me: Later, gator.
Stag: After while, dickhead.

10-15
Stag: We killed something together, so that wasn't gay.

10-21
Nick Schulte: We will design with paper and crayons if necessary.

10-26
Quentin: ...Still not how jeopardy works.

10-30
Quentin: ...Why don't those people have legs?

Andrew: Enhance his mustache.
Dan: ...When you say "enhance his mustache..."

10-31
Del: They have subwoofers in the seats!
Michael: Rumble in your bum?

11-4
Tony: Er... I guess we should go get drunk..?

11-6
Stag: Art keeps me awake.

11-10
Coty: This is how I get information about Spiderman.

Coty: I just want to know there is a Russian doll of meat. And it exists for the holidays.

Coty: ...But I assume he had a prostitution problem, and I assume they died.

11-20
Caroline: I'm not into the weird shit.

11-29
Rob: "The north never forgets..."
Me: Do you mean "The north remembers?"

12-11
Mom: I had a great idea for outdoor decor this year, but the Anti-happy Christmas Ass poo pooed it straight to hell.

12-12
Stag: I was trying to convey I'd pocket sand a rando.

Stag: I love everything...but I'll pick a fight for pocket sand...

12-17-16
Abby as requested by Rob: I can never find a homeless person when I need one!

12-18
Stag: Why is it always AIDS with me?

12-20
Mom: first of all, I couldn't eat peanut butter AND jelly together until I was an adult...

12-22
Dad, after pretending to sing a native American song...: Want me to do the second verse?

Me: Do you want chicken and broccoli?
Mom: No.
Me: What are you going to have for dinner?
Mom: Grapes.

12-25
Dad: uh-oh... I was messing with the thermostat, but I tooted.
Mom: Quote list that shit.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Quote List: Second & Third Quarter, 2016

Friday, April 1, 2016

Quote List: First Quarter 2016

12-29
John: Notice anything different about my pants? I put a ruby in there.

12-31
Jeff: I come from an Italian family. There's a hierarchy.

Lucky about cyanide in snickers for annoying kids upstairs:
Our change of heart might be noticed at Halloween.

Steve R.: It's not enough fun unless someone's on molly.

Jeff: I'm a horny after-puker.

Mary: do I need to go tase someone?
Lucky.: ... She doesn't have a taser.

Jeff: We're not pregnant.

1-10
John: I feel like I look like the guy from Men's Warehouse.

1-12
Steve B.: We definitely need to send them a thank you melon... Just wondering about the logistics. Like do I take it to a post office and pretend it is a normal thing to do? Do I apologize when I tell them I need to mail it?

John: Totes ironi, bro.

1-16
Rob: I don't think she dabbles in dicks.

1-20
Me: You're the best.
Matt: Second best.
Me: Second to..?
Matt: Jesus Christ.

1-30
JB: What? What temperature is that? I guess we'll put it at magenta.

2-1
John: You got me all psyched up for sex and sleep and now you're all "let's go to a show and stay up until midnight."

2-3
Lauren: Look at this, this is how bored I am.

John: I don't know. He's probably a bear. He's more of a troll bear.

2-4
Jamie: Ooooh the fucking pickles. They're gonna kill us.

2-6
[Redacted]: A midget genie better come out of the bottle and jerk me off.

Jeff. I got fired, went home, put my fur on (cuz it hugs you back), got drunk, and played Fallout 4.

Jeff: Do I look like I play magic?

2-7
Johnna: Oh god. I knew there'd be throw up today.

2-12
Lauren: Why are they always sticky?

2-13
[Redacted]: I have a blender, but someone used it to chop pot... It was me.

2-12
Kathy Kelly about Aaron Draplin: He's the Bob Dylan of design.

Aaron Draplin: They spend their money on weed, and knives, and kayaks, and pants that zip down to shorts.

Aaron: It's colder than a mother-in-law's love.

Aaron: I have a lot of questions about Molly Ringwald

Aaron: The smallest jobs can be some of the coolest. Remember that.

2-18:
Lauren: My mom never let me watch it.
Angie: You sheltered pony.

2-27
Rob: Take the drink. Leave the book.

3-3
Dad: I found a picture of Lisa, and I threw it away.

3-9
Angie: I wonder if we could catch a goose.

3-25
Johnna: The blonde lady that just sat down? Her lips look like they have hot dogs in them.

Requested by Johnna after an elderly woman came around collecting money in a jar:
Me: What is this for?
Johnna: The band.
Me: Oh. If she had cancer I would have given her something.

Johnna: That dude at the end of the bar? Profile? Yeah, pedophile.

Johnna: You have to feel like shit to feel good.

Me: Ooh! Grapefruit!
Johnna: Mine tastes like Chlorox.

3-26
Me: Where is the rest of your family?
Mike: They went to the emergency room. My mom might have diabetes.

Katie: There's a book in here you'd like; "Rediscovering Jesus."

3-30
Diane: I don't think Chinese people can fly.

Diane: I don't know what that word is. It's like I'm reading the bible.

Monday, December 28, 2015

Quote List: Fourth Quarter 2015

Monday, September 28, 2015

Quotes: Third Quarter, 2015

6-26 
Eric Melin: That's me with the tennis racket dressed like Gene Simmons. 

Eric: We are changed. 

Jason Elm: They're a hateraid drinking group of folks. 

Brendan O'Shaughnessy: Work like a captain. Play like a pirate. 

7-22
Me: Please tell me there are sloth memes.
Lauren: There are, and I found all of them. 

7-23
Lauren: You shut your mouth, man girl!

Jonny: Are you a dad perchance?
Dane: Fuck no! Just an exceptionally immature 23 year old. 
Jonny: Acceptable. 
Dane: The only children I'm interested in are my cats. 

Lauren: "Thanks for setting us up!" This is not a setup! This is a casual encounter! 

Lauren: That sip tasted like dirt. 

7-31 
Alex: He's looking at photos of... Is that bacon or steak?
Rob: it's sickle cell anemia. 

Woodge: I feel like it would be a good addition to my deep fry Barbie McDonald's.

Woodge: I need a giraffe on my head. 

8-5 
Rob: I think you're pretty grandeur. 

8-8 
Me: They were just talking about you. 
Ryan: Do they think I'm cute? 

8-9 
Rob after burping at a bag in his hand: I was speaking to these ancient beans in their ancient tongue.

8-19
Jason Elm: I had chances to leave, but never a reason. 

Jason: They can take your execution, but they can never take your idea. 

Jason: Capabilities don't give you expertise. 

Jason: Compromise up.

8-21 
Joey: Bitches have night vision. 

8-25 
Suzanne: Maybe that's the key—we need to get our clients high. 
Angie: I'll just be over here rolling for you guys. 

9-4 
Steve: we can walk through there if you want to smell like axe body spray for the next week. 

9-5 
Nick: Hey, Spencer! Want some whiskey and coke? 
Spencer: uh, duh! -takes the whole glass- 

9-11
Mom: Pelicans are assholes, but adorable to look at. 

9-13
Rob: Fine art's not going camping. 

9-18
Rob: And I can see daylight in her crotch area! 

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Quotes: Second Quarter, 2015

4-6
Rob: I watched a three-minute commercial on the internet today. It was for Friskies.

4-16
Jason: What's up with this little pile of chocolate, granola, and Tums?

4-25
Mom: Her legs are very wrinkly, like ET wrinkly.

4-30
Rob: I had a realization the other day at IKEA... Butterfly tattoos are a deal breaker.

Rob: I was not born an old man.

5-9
Lyn: It's like having an orgasm.

5-10 
Dad: Are U2 queer?

5-11 
Mom: I am not a touch fucker.

5-11 
Woodge: I like the holocaust

Woodge: Honey, you've dated a couple of lost boys.

5-16 
Me: You have a website?
Jake: You didn't google me?

5-21 
Jake: A4 is mathematically sexy.

5-23
Me: I'd be okay if the zombie apocalypse happened today.
Rob: ...I don't have that many bullets.

Me: I'm going to start sending you boxes of stuff.
Rob: Yes! I love boxes. They can even be empty.

5-24
Ryan: He plays a fife.

5-31
Rob: This sandwich is going to be messy.
Me: That's okay, I'll just eat it with a fork.
Rob: No! You cannot eat it with a fork!
Me: Why does that bother you so much?
Rob: Because we have forks! Right here! -spirit fingers-

Rob: Close your eyes. Smell this. Doesn't that make you want to be a pirate?

6-5 
Rob: You're basically walking through a sea of worthless.

Rob: Punch him in the dick like a grown woman.

6-6 
Rob: I am laughing like a crazy person alone in my apartment.

6-12 
Nick Garvey: Why does everyone that shops at Walmart look like toes?

6-17 
Alistair: I'm just an immigrant.

6-24
Brooke: All we did is hunt and forage.
Lauren: I thought you said, "all we ate was porridge."

6-25
Brooke: Do you have walker's cough, Lauren?

Steve: One of my big goals in life right now is to chill with a penguin. 

Monday, April 6, 2015

Quotes: First Quarter 2015

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Quotes: Third & Fourth Quarter 2014

7-10
Anthony: My head's on the path. Someone's gonna run it over.

7-17
Anthony: You're snark. Just go full Tony Snark on her.

7-17
Johnna: Dude, Pocahontas is fucking hot.

Julie: Am I playing against Xena warrior princess?

7-22
Rachel: You're more of the Cinderella-holding-a-grenade type.

7-31
Woodge: What can P&L stand for? Pussy and lighter fluid.

8-7
Jason: I thought I'd be drinking a bunch of beer, but I ended up drinking a bunch of tea. What am I doing? Do you have some whiskey to put in here? Because I'm kind of feeling lame.

9-4
Timothy Goodman: 



















9-16
Joshua: I hate to admit this as a guy, but pink stuff always tastes better.

10-3
Mo: I was like a ninja... With my pants down.

10-4
Chris C.: Lotta disableds.

10-6
Lyn: I'm seeing cactus!

10-16
Steve: Did I miss the dick butts?

10-19
Kyle: You mean all I have to do is give three hours of work for a sticker? I'm in.

10-21
Johnna: I'm over here having demon talk with my friend Brycen.

11-7
Hung Liu: A part of me always looks up to see the sky.

11-14
Matt: You guys wanna go to a white Walmart?

11-15
Johnna: He's better when he's sad.

11-27
Dad: I've never lived in Ferguson.

12-5
Nick: Thank you, young man.
Jake: You're welcome, large child.

12-6
Katie: You have awkwardly warm hands.

Caroline to Maryanne referring to a veil for church: Do I have to put something on my head?

12-8
Me: Are you trying to fist bump or punch me?
Jesús: Clearly I'm punching you, but it's loving, like a boxer who can't flirt properly.

12-13
Alex: I only use my gun to kill things.

12-19
Tad: I'm from Kansas City fucking Missouri.

12-22
Nicole: It's just misting. I feel like I'm in the produce isle.

12-28
Dad after changing outfits too many times: I'm going to have to take another shower.

Dad: You got your girdles and things, and I've got my underwear.

12-31
Nathan: For my birthday, can I have some drugs?
Max: What kind of drugs?
Nathan: Allergy drugs.

Cavery: ...and your name is Sheldon.