Quote List 2019

 7-6

Adam: Now everything’s covered in nut salt...

Abigail: twin-doulie 

7-9

Quentin: you should be in marketing; “Indianapolis. It’s about a 6.”

John: I can always tell when I’m getting really drunk because I eat cold shrimp and smoke cigarettes. 

7-24

Rob: have you ever slept so long your kidneys hurt?

7-27

Nelly: he’s working hard, but what is he doing?

8-17

Scott: it’s chilly Willy. Tiny baby caterpillars. ...makes my nipples hard. 

8-20

Abby: my future children better hope I don’t have them.

8-27

Scott: I’m gonna change my pants before I eat. 

9-11

Scott: there is only... one gate 

Abby: I’m not sure why my ankle is sticky

9-12 

Scott: I know what matters in life; YOU matter...

9-15

Scott: going to the ozarks. Fucking around in the trees

9-24

Scott: she touches my stuff 

9-26

Me: boys don’t wear thumb rings. 

Scott, mumbling: wizards do. 

10-12

Scott: Grumble box; you wanna touch mine?

10-13

Korey: that’s a wet Ramey 

Scott: we went to a tree today...

10-23

Scott: great. Now I’ve got crystals on my cock 

12-4

John W: were too lazy and our pants are too tight. 

12-11 

Scott: that’s some very aggressive friend making. 

12-31

Abby: I do not pee if others have pooped. 

1-6-19

Scott: I’m going to have nightmares about you blowing on me. 

Me: You can’t pre-jerk! 

1-12-19 

Korey: this is what happens when you lie about your nipples 

1-22

Scott: starts giggling in the dark

Me: what’s so funny?

Scott: I put more covers on you. 

1-23

Scott: don’t do it! When you do it I thrash, and when I thrash I hurt myself. 

1-29

Abby: this wizard with a cigarette caught a fucking daemon in a gourd in this bitches house. 

Scott:... that is the weirdest collection of words... 

2-2

Abby: it’s like being born again 

Scott: what is?

3-10

Scott: just looking at her makes me want a tetanus shot. 

3-25

Scott about his new undies: they’re like a dick push up bra. 

4-16

Korey: these are the best carrots- oh wait, these are sweet potatoes. 

4-30

Scott: why are you tickling me?

Me: I’m just touching your nipples enthusiastically. 

5-1

Scott: it’s like a touch buffet; All I can squeeze. 

9-2

Daniel: We’ve been called a Jew about seven times already this trip...

Quote List: Second Quarter, 2018

3-7

Scott: And if you’re impolite... well... you’ve got a new verbal sparring partner. And I'm not a punch puller. 

3-8

Andrew Salter: I dont like any of weird lip stuff. 

3-9 

Scott: I fucking enjoy punching people for fun. 

3-16

Scotty: It’s OUR Dutton. 

3-22 

Abigail: You’re so fucking sweet...

Scott: Sweet on you, beautiful.

Tabitha: I love brussel sprout plants! If I were a plant...

4-9

Scott: That’s not my cock, it’s a horses! 

4-22

Scott about AJJ: It’s like if Charles Manson were a hipster...

4-27 

Stag: You don't need me there to be with me. Always remember that.

Korey: How did my shoes get untied... BOTH of them!

5-2

Abigail: Furby wasn’t ticklish. 

Scott: He might have been ticklish! How would you know? 

5-4

Velton: Dev team under duress. 

Scott: The cameraman’s on Craigslist. 

Scott: Look what you did to my fingers....

Abigail: Next time don’t resist! 

5-12

Scott: Psh. ..call me Ricky. ...I do love chicken fingers though.

5-13

Scott: Did I ever tell you about my mom fighting the raccoons?

5-15

Scott: Maybe we need a little more science..?

5-24 

Abby U.: I don’t fuck with witches. 

5-30 

Scott: I haven’t had any mayonnaise today. 

5-31

Scott: I’m glad I’m in love with you. 

6-2 

Scott: Korey is the puddle puppy of humanity.

Scott: Hilda’s eyebrows are distracting. 

6-3

Mom: This is what a pimp hat looks like.

6-9

Bobby: What’s with all the black ones?

Stag: He’s got my fucking fingers!

Stag: Wow... that was really wet. 

Stag: Fuck. I am fucked. Fuck. 

6-20

Michaels ringtone goes off. 

Adam: Is that your ringtone? That’s my ringtone too... We should wear the same clothes to work. 

6-24

Tabitha: I’ve eaten a number of bugs for money. 

6-29

Sean: I don’t trust anyone that can run a mile. 

Quote List: First Quarter, 2018

12-30

Stag: Juice? Juice is not a food. It COMES from food...

12-8 

Stag: Stop trying to be Atlas. 

1-12

John: He is the longest human being. 

1-13 

Adella: I’m probably sure I need to be sober. 

La: I will sit this round out. It will take me this long to find my water bottle.

Stag: Yoda is a Jew!!!

Stag: My daggers are impressive.

Abigail: Give me that again because I want it.

Adella: LA has some really fucked up logic about coming...

12-15 

Adam: This is the symbol of our work friendship. 

Andrew PG: I’m going to get you to drink. We’ll take it slow. It’s a 12-step process. 

12-17

John: You looked like ET at the bottom of the drainpipe. 

John: I saw a deer freaking out. 

John: I feel bonded to you after my nightmare. 

Adam: I don’t think you hate people. I think you hate the dark side of people, and I think you hate being disappointed by them. 

12-18

John: There were tons of sausage birds...

John: I don’t hot butt that often. 

John: Don’t feed me doughnuts. 

12-19

John: We’ve got George P. Bush. Little bitta P little bitta Bush.

Quentin: Yeah the first question that guy asked me was something about a hotdog in a bathroom. 

Adam: Keep your hands off my regions. 

2-8

Velton: If you build it... they will hate. 

2-9 

Mom: And we’re not having goddamn sandwiches for supper either. 

2-11

Dad: She likes Billy Joel. ...and I like Blood Rock. 

2-26 

John: Kat freedogging it. ...walking around with loosies. 

Matt: Sure, Utopia would be great, but that is the same fake concept as Heaven. Social justice is now a religion, and if you don't follow the rules you are a sinner.

Quote List: Fourth Quarter, 2017

10-3 

Adella: I like how LA has neither confirmed nor denied, and everyone is excited.

10-7

Trex: Gonna turn on Netflix and chill alone. 

10-16

Airport lady: If he’s crying, he doesn’t like it. 

Stag: Better finish this handle before I go play with power tools. 

Stag: If I'm gonna stick something in there, let me make it a better one.

10-26

Jessica walks into the bathroom and closes the door: Aww maaan. I have chocolate all over my face.

11-4

Chris: I’m too lazy to be a serial killer. 

11-9

Stag: So Im thinking it's mostly just drugs and dreams and cottonmouth.

11-18

Adella: you’re not drinking enough if that wasn’t logical 

LA: My feet are wet. 

LA: I woke up, looked at my hand, and said, “aww... my ass hole is gone.”

11-26

Abby U.: Did you see her nipples?

11-29

Philip: My dad always said growing up, “give a firm handshake, and don’t send dick pics.” 

12-9

Stag: You Clark Kent looking mother fucker. 

Egg: I really wanted a sword for my 16th birthday, but my dad got me a gun instead. 

12-13 

Trent: I’m not a good drinker. I just get really sleepy... take a lotta naps. 

12-22

Titus to Chris: Why didn’t your receptionist, Dan, ask if I wanted anything to drink?

Dan: Because I will never care about your needs. 

12-25

Mom: We be sa-day boo. 

Mom: This guy in the car next to us has an UGLY little dog. ...It makes me judge him. 

Aaron Draplin quotes from an event I went to: 

"With all of you people here who the fuck is guarding the town?!" 

"The perfect sprinkle of shitty." 

"Don’t lie to people. (Republicans are fair game.)"

"I'm always looking at dead shit."

"Unmesswithable properties."

"He had breath like earth worms."

"Give him back to the universe."

"I’ll be doing the materials."

"Design is death, too."

Quote List: Third Quarter, 2017

7-5 

Stag: Hope you can read my writing. I studied at the institute of calligraphy for inebriated chickens.

7-7

Rob: So it's "we" when you're drinking? 

7-12

Titus: I read one book a year, and that's The Great Gatsby.

Dan: All the old people in this commercial are dead now. 

7-20 

Stag: The weapon of joy....dick nickname...called it!

Stag: Can't change hotdogs in the middle of the river.

Stag; Well if my tastes aren't "palatable" you might jerk the wheel into a goddamned dutch bridge abutment.

7-22

AJ: ...that song is about breakfast food. 

7-27 

Stag: Redneck smith life struggle is real: Gluing leather to a block fore a new strop with spray adhesive...arm was stuck to my computer desk... Thought I caught myself with the mist... It was bbq sauce from my ribs tonight.

7-29

Trent: Awww look at this quaint little town. ...I could never fucking live here. 

8-5

Johnna: That's easy to remember; "Cock."

Abby: Cock is always easy to remember, even when you wish you could forget. 

8-10

Mom: Who needs the eclipse when I can just be blinded by texts from my kids! 

8-12

LA: That makes sense; Opium. 

Stag: So we're talking 1 out of 3 on incest. Bad odds. 

8-17

Dan: Rooney's Facebook page is like all snakes, all the time. 

8-26 

LA: ...we called him Party Pockets.

8-28

Stag: Don't pass the buck. 

Me: I always pass the buck. 'Tis why I'm broke. 

8-29

Nick: I need more Christmas tree.  

9-8

Stag: Expand that. Make seams, not division. 

Stag: I no homo. Barely homo sapien. 

Stag: I'm slightly soberer. 

Quote List: Second Quarter, 2017

4-5
Steve: At least you can avoid that conflict...
Me via Steve: I don't mind conflict when I get my way.

4-19
Alan: ...Spyrates.

4-28
Stag: It's my fault for ordering a boys-size small. Men-sized pants just don't make my ass look good.

5-1
Adella: Just give him a bag of meat-flavored dick cookies.

5-2
Me: I'm just making sure I'm answering your actual question. You tend to word things in ways that have a lot of potential outcomes.
Stag: I played too many RPGs growing up. Sorry.

5-5
Nick Schulte: I ordered a hundred... or maybe fifty...? I ordered fucking paper towels.

Me: I sent my inner fat kid to fat camp for the summer.
Max: That's like conversion therapy!

5-8
Stag about my pink prof pic: Very pretty counter to your barbaric nature.

5-9
Grable: Don't damn me because I make you smile.

5-11
Stag: I am a bear... and I am balls deep.

Stag: ...See...this is how Hiroshima and Nagasaki happened.

Lillie: Process is fridge-worthy.

5-12
Stag: I'd rather eat that then put it on my body.

5-13
Me via Johnna: I'm thinking about getting a hermit crab.
Johnna: You want a hermit crab?
Me: Not really; I'm just lonely and want something to take care of.

5-18
Michael: You haven't gotten to the Hodor scene yet.
Robby: I think you mean Mordor...

Stag. Fair. Ducuntish, but fair.

5-21
Me while painting a house: Having fun yet?
Stag: There's a reason I was born German and not Mexican.

Stag: Grow up, and act 14 like the rest of us.

5-28
Bobby: I'm not saying he's a fridge digger...

6-8
Titus: Have you ever seen a midget move a couch?

6-14
Andrew: What the fuck is happening with lunch? I'm about to either freak out or pass out.

6-16
Chris: We're talking about dozens of dollars in bitcoins, Nick.

6-26
Andrew: You sound like the office drunk uncle.

Quote List: First Quarter, 2017

12-27ish 

Stag: Aww fuck you, ya twat... How's that for sappy?

Me: You still said "aww," ya poof. 

1-2

Mila (8 years old): You smell like beer and bacon. 

1-12

Stag: I grammatically fucked that so hard all my children will just be vowel sounds.

1-28

Stag: Feels like I dropped on concrete. 

Adella: Why are you speaking in a British accent?

Bobby: Because Stag.

1-30

Rob: I am in the bathroom, and the lights went out (motion), and I am pooping in total darkness.

1-31 

Mom: I love you more than ferrets playing in clear tubes. 

2-4

Neil: you can't make white paint... Well I mean someone can...

2-11

Stag: People tell me I'm opinionated. I try to quell the backlash.

2-13

Me: You have glitter in your beard.

Zach: It's probably been there for years. 

2-17

Adella: As the hands get smaller, I start sucking more. 

3-2

Nick: I got busted by the manager at Dierbergs while putting up wiggly eyes the second time; I was banished. ...I wasn't banished, but we locked eyes and it was mutually understood that both the eyes and myself had to go. 

3-7 

Me: I feel like your super power would be to lift an empty glass and automatically have a new gin and tonic.

C3: That's just called alcoholism, you insensitive cunt. 

3-13

Me: How do you pronounce the name of this city?

Bookshop guy: What's the fastest town in Ireland? Tuam (chooom) 

3-25

Stag: See? That's love. I wouldn't do math for you people. 

3-30

Me (as requested by Johnna): If I were into forcing things, I'd be dating the stalker I had in high school. 

As Requested by Johnna: 

Johnna: Hey, Abby, what's this look like?

Me: Dick.

Quote List: Forth Quarter, 2016

10-6
Del: I've heard that if you count to 8 sneezes, you die.... I get to six, and tears start rolling because I'm saying goodbye to people.

10-7
Rob: Look at her calves! They're so small! They're like beef medallions!

10-14
Me: Later, gator.
Stag: After while, dickhead.

10-15
Stag: We killed something together, so that wasn't gay.

10-21
Nick Schulte: We will design with paper and crayons if necessary.

10-26
Quentin: ...Still not how jeopardy works.

10-30
Quentin: ...Why don't those people have legs?

Andrew: Enhance his mustache.
Dan: ...When you say "enhance his mustache..."

10-31
Del: They have subwoofers in the seats!
Michael: Rumble in your bum?

11-4
Tony: Er... I guess we should go get drunk..?

11-6
Stag: Art keeps me awake.

11-10
Coty: This is how I get information about Spiderman.

Coty: I just want to know there is a Russian doll of meat. And it exists for the holidays.

Coty: ...But I assume he had a prostitution problem, and I assume they died.

11-20
Caroline: I'm not into the weird shit.

11-29
Rob: "The north never forgets..."
Me: Do you mean "The north remembers?"

12-11
Mom: I had a great idea for outdoor decor this year, but the Anti-happy Christmas Ass poo pooed it straight to hell.

12-12
Stag: I was trying to convey I'd pocket sand a rando.

Stag: I love everything...but I'll pick a fight for pocket sand...

12-17-16
Abby as requested by Rob: I can never find a homeless person when I need one!

12-18
Stag: Why is it always AIDS with me?

12-20
Mom: first of all, I couldn't eat peanut butter AND jelly together until I was an adult...

12-22
Dad, after pretending to sing a native American song...: Want me to do the second verse?

Me: Do you want chicken and broccoli?
Mom: No.
Me: What are you going to have for dinner?
Mom: Grapes.

12-25
Dad: uh-oh... I was messing with the thermostat, but I tooted.
Mom: Quote list that shit.

Quote List: Second & Third Quarter, 2016

4-7
Me: How's it going?
Eddie: About average; I spilled some honey.

4-9
Jeff: I didn't want to be that guy... Drinking in the parking lot.

Rob: El chupa cah, bra.

4-12
Woodge: You are my art wife.

4-16
Rob: Dick Missile. ...I think that's going to be my porn name.

5-9
Me: Rob isn't very good at capping.
Brian: He has woman hands.

5-10
Robby: They also make the sham-wow.

5-13
Devon: These were full-daylight floosies.

5-16
Andrew: Beau is going off on some gingerbread man over here.

5-21
Nick Garvey: This is how humans die.

Nick Garvey: If there's a dick involved I better get $200.

5-22
Megan: I have to poop. I think I'm gonna go home.

5-26
Nick S.: For the record, we work through tornadoes.

Philip: The sky is dark.
Dan: ...and full of terrors.

Michael: I think this is how Independence Day started.

5-31
Birdcloud: I can tell Lawrence is primarily blacks.

6-15
Brian: It just looks tiny when I hold it in my giant man hands.

6-27
Rob: He looks like some sort of plush toy.

6-28
Robby: I like the one light on over here.
Dan: It looks like I'm supposed to get a quest from Michael.

7-8
Sean Stewart.: My liver is the size of a puppy.

Rob: Anyone here like Afrobeats?
Sean Stewart.: You mean Applebees?

7-29
Chris: That's probably the third nationality I would not want to head butt.

Andrew: It's a surf watch.
Quentin: For when you're late and also under water?

6-31
Ryan: I thought I found the raisins, but they were dreidels.

7-6
Chris: $20 at Taco bell? Who are you, Nick Schulte?

8-23
Beau: He looks like my thumb.

8-26
Chase: Everything is edible the first time.

8-27
Coty Speaking about vinegar: I mean I'll deal with it, because I know it's in ketchup...

Coty: Secret best meth.

Coty about lumberjacks: Cuts them trees; sows them seeds.

Coty: The jizzasters is amazing.

Coty: So if I were to start a Zeppelin based company...
Steve: ... a shitty startup in the sky.

9-1
Nick S.: It's like entering the ocean from the bottom.

9-2
Del sneezes
Dan: Bless you.
Del sneezes again.
Dan: Bless you again
Del sneezes a third time
Dan: I'm done. 

Quote List: First Quarter 2016

12-29
John: Notice anything different about my pants? I put a ruby in there.

12-31
Jeff: I come from an Italian family. There's a hierarchy.

Lucky about cyanide in snickers for annoying kids upstairs:
Our change of heart might be noticed at Halloween.

Steve R.: It's not enough fun unless someone's on molly.

Jeff: I'm a horny after-puker.

Mary: do I need to go tase someone?
Lucky.: ... She doesn't have a taser.

Jeff: We're not pregnant.

1-10
John: I feel like I look like the guy from Men's Warehouse.

1-12
Steve B.: We definitely need to send them a thank you melon... Just wondering about the logistics. Like do I take it to a post office and pretend it is a normal thing to do? Do I apologize when I tell them I need to mail it?

John: Totes ironi, bro.

1-16
Rob: I don't think she dabbles in dicks.

1-20
Me: You're the best.
Matt: Second best.
Me: Second to..?
Matt: Jesus Christ.

1-30
JB: What? What temperature is that? I guess we'll put it at magenta.

2-1
John: You got me all psyched up for sex and sleep and now you're all "let's go to a show and stay up until midnight."

2-3
Lauren: Look at this, this is how bored I am.

John: I don't know. He's probably a bear. He's more of a troll bear.

2-4
Jamie: Ooooh the fucking pickles. They're gonna kill us.

2-6
[Redacted]: A midget genie better come out of the bottle and jerk me off.

Jeff. I got fired, went home, put my fur on (cuz it hugs you back), got drunk, and played Fallout 4.

Jeff: Do I look like I play magic?

2-7
Johnna: Oh god. I knew there'd be throw up today.

2-12
Lauren: Why are they always sticky?

2-13
[Redacted]: I have a blender, but someone used it to chop pot... It was me.

2-12
Kathy Kelly about Aaron Draplin: He's the Bob Dylan of design.

Aaron Draplin: They spend their money on weed, and knives, and kayaks, and pants that zip down to shorts.

Aaron: It's colder than a mother-in-law's love.

Aaron: I have a lot of questions about Molly Ringwald

Aaron: The smallest jobs can be some of the coolest. Remember that.

2-18:
Lauren: My mom never let me watch it.
Angie: You sheltered pony.

2-27
Rob: Take the drink. Leave the book.

3-3
Dad: I found a picture of Lisa, and I threw it away.

3-9
Angie: I wonder if we could catch a goose.

3-25
Johnna: The blonde lady that just sat down? Her lips look like they have hot dogs in them.

Requested by Johnna after an elderly woman came around collecting money in a jar:
Me: What is this for?
Johnna: The band.
Me: Oh. If she had cancer I would have given her something.

Johnna: That dude at the end of the bar? Profile? Yeah, pedophile.

Johnna: You have to feel like shit to feel good.

Me: Ooh! Grapefruit!
Johnna: Mine tastes like Chlorox.

3-26
Me: Where is the rest of your family?
Mike: They went to the emergency room. My mom might have diabetes.

Katie: There's a book in here you'd like; "Rediscovering Jesus."

3-30
Diane: I don't think Chinese people can fly.

Diane: I don't know what that word is. It's like I'm reading the bible.

Quote List: Fourth Quarter 2015

9-28
Lauren: I'm about to drink my dirt right now.

9-29
Lauren: I don't like cinnamon that much. ...I had a bad experience with a cookie.

Me (requested by Rob): I feel like this is asking for a lot of dick fingers.

10-1
Rob: It's a superpower, Abby, not an STD.

10-3
AIDS is funny.

10-4
Rob: I don't cuddle with racists.

Rob: You kind of packed like a woman for two days.
Jeff: I didn't know what the weather was going to be like!

10-14
Rob: An ass is for sitting and pooping. It is not for touching!

10-15
Rob: in comparison to alcohol, water will make you angry.

10-22
Brent about our design abilities: Sometimes you guys use your powers for evil.

11-5
Kelly about her martini: It's better. I added several packets of sugar.

11-6 
Rob: Rock the pear.

Rob: That's the kind of bitch I'm trying to kick.

Rob: If I had another hotdog, I'd eat it at you

Rob: I don't wanna be Houdini. He died by being under water so long. Right?

11-8
Ryan: I fabreezed my hair.

11-12
Suzanne: Brandy for breakfast.

11-13 
Lauren: Petsmart is having a sale. 50% off bearded dragons.

Joe: How NSFW is it?
Cmats: Just some light fisting.

11-17
Matt B.: Instagram has a lot of "spiritual moms," I've noticed.

Woodge: I love that Canada also has white trash.

11-21
Me: Following you isn't exactly sunshine and puppies.
Rob: That's because you drive a sooped up golf cart.

11-25
Diane Gibbs: Eat well, visually.

11-27
John: Just imagine we're in a canoe.
Me: I don't think this is what a canoe feels like.
John: ...we're in a gondola.

11-28
Jim: I can't. I have to butter the biscuits.
Mom: Call them biscuits one more fucking time and I'm going to kick you in the throat.

Caroline: Does she have AAA?
Jim: No. She got rid of Milton a long time ago.

12-2
Angie: Do you guys know how to scissor?

12-5 
Jeff: I mean they are mermaid crayons. They better all sparkle!

Rob: Are you waltzing to Missy Elliot?

Jeff: It's a sleeper sushi restaurant.

12-10
Josh: Imagine I'm trying to hug you through the computer now.

John about the pillow he's suddenly on: Let's just share it.

12-19
Rob: The Fitbit lifestyle. Let me tell you about that...

Rob: Cops can't deal with ghosts.

12-24
Woodge: My ex boyfriend, Ben, used to chimney sweep his house.

12-26
Nick: You and I have the same intestional issues when it comes to Subway lettuce.