Saturday, March 3, 2018

Quote List: First Quarter, 2018

Stag: Juice? Juice is not a food. It COMES from food...

Stag: Stop trying to be Atlas. 

John: He is the longest human being. 

Adella: I’m probably sure I need to be sober. 

La: I will sit this round out. It will take me this long to find my water bottle.

Stag: Yoda is a Jew!!!

Stag: My daggers are impressive.

Abigail: Give me that again because I want it.

Adella: LA has some really fucked up logic about coming...

Adam: This is the symbol of our work friendship. 

Andrew PG: I’m going to get you to drink. We’ll take it slow. It’s a 12-step process. 

John: You looked like ET at the bottom of the drainpipe. 

John: I saw a deer freaking out. 

John: I feel bonded to you after my nightmare. 

Adam: I don’t think you hate people. I think you hate the dark side of people, and I think you hate being disappointed by them. 

John: There were tons of sausage birds...

John: I don’t hot butt that often. 

John: Don’t feed me doughnuts. 

John: We’ve got George P. Bush. Little bitta P little bitta Bush.

Quentin: Yeah the first question that guy asked me was something about a hotdog in a bathroom. 

Adam: Keep your hands off my regions. 

Velton: If you build it... they will hate. 

Mom: And we’re not having goddamn sandwiches for supper either. 

Dad: She likes Billy Joel. ...and I like Blood Rock. 

John: Kat freedogging it. ...walking around with loosies. 

Matt: Sure, Utopia would be great, but that is the same fake concept as Heaven. Social justice is now a religion, and if you don't follow the rules you are a sinner.

Friday, December 29, 2017

Quote List: Fourth Quarter, 2017

Adella: I like how LA has neither confirmed nor denied, and everyone is excited.

Trex: Gonna turn on Netflix and chill alone. 

Airport lady: If he’s crying, he doesn’t like it. 

Stag: Better finish this handle before I go play with power tools. 

Stag: If I'm gonna stick something in there, let me make it a better one.

Jessica walks into the bathroom and closes the door: Aww maaan. I have chocolate all over my face.

Chris: I’m too lazy to be a serial killer. 

Stag: So Im thinking it's mostly just drugs and dreams and cottonmouth.

Adella: you’re not drinking enough if that wasn’t logical 

LA: My feet are wet. 

LA: I woke up, looked at my hand, and said, “aww... my ass hole is gone.”

Abby U.: Did you see her nipples?

Philip: My dad always said growing up, “give a firm handshake, and don’t send dick pics.” 

Stag: You Clark Kent looking mother fucker. 

Egg: I really wanted a sword for my 16th birthday, but my dad got me a gun instead. 

Trent: I’m not a good drinker. I just get really sleepy... take a lotta naps. 

Titus to Chris: Why didn’t your receptionist, Dan, ask if I wanted anything to drink?
Dan: Because I will never care about your needs. 

Mom: We be sa-day boo. 

Mom: This guy in the car next to us has an UGLY little dog. ...It makes me judge him. 

Aaron Draplin quotes from an event I went to: 

"With all of you people here who the fuck is guarding the town?!" 

"The perfect sprinkle of shitty." 

"Don’t lie to people. (Republicans are fair game.)"

"I'm always looking at dead shit."

"Unmesswithable properties."

"He had breath like earth worms."

"Give him back to the universe."

"I’ll be doing the materials."

"Design is death, too."

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Quote List: Third Quarter, 2017

Stag: Hope you can read my writing. I studied at the institute of calligraphy for inebriated chickens.

Rob: So it's "we" when you're drinking? 

Titus: I read one book a year, and that's The Great Gatsby.

Dan: All the old people in this commercial are dead now. 

Stag: The weapon of joy....dick nickname...called it!

Stag: Can't change hotdogs in the middle of the river.

Stag; Well if my tastes aren't "palatable" you might jerk the wheel into a goddamned dutch bridge abutment.

AJ: ...that song is about breakfast food. 

Stag: Redneck smith life struggle is real: Gluing leather to a block fore a new strop with spray adhesive...arm was stuck to my computer desk... Thought I caught myself with the mist... It was bbq sauce from my ribs tonight.

Trent: Awww look at this quaint little town. ...I could never fucking live here. 

Johnna: That's easy to remember; "Cock."
Abby: Cock is always easy to remember, even when you wish you could forget. 

Mom: Who needs the eclipse when I can just be blinded by texts from my kids! 

LA: That makes sense; Opium. 

Stag: So we're talking 1 out of 3 on incest. Bad odds. 

Dan: Rooney's Facebook page is like all snakes, all the time. 

LA: ...we called him Party Pockets.

Stag: Don't pass the buck. 
Me: I always pass the buck. 'Tis why I'm broke. 

Nick: I need more Christmas tree.  

Stag: Expand that. Make seams, not division. 

Stag: I no homo. Barely homo sapien. 

Stag: I'm slightly soberer. 

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Quote List: Second Quarter, 2017

Steve: At least you can avoid that conflict...
Me via Steve: I don't mind conflict when I get my way.

Alan: ...Spyrates.

Stag: It's my fault for ordering a boys-size small. Men-sized pants just don't make my ass look good.

Adella: Just give him a bag of meat-flavored dick cookies.

Me: I'm just making sure I'm answering your actual question. You tend to word things in ways that have a lot of potential outcomes.
Stag: I played too many RPGs growing up. Sorry.

Nick Schulte: I ordered a hundred... or maybe fifty...? I ordered fucking paper towels.

Me: I sent my inner fat kid to fat camp for the summer.
Max: That's like conversion therapy!

Stag about my pink prof pic: Very pretty counter to your barbaric nature.

Grable: Don't damn me because I make you smile.

Stag: I am a bear... and I am balls deep.

Stag: ...See...this is how Hiroshima and Nagasaki happened.

Lillie: Process is fridge-worthy.

Stag: I'd rather eat that then put it on my body.

Me via Johnna: I'm thinking about getting a hermit crab.
Johnna: You want a hermit crab?
Me: Not really; I'm just lonely and want something to take care of.

Michael: You haven't gotten to the Hodor scene yet.
Robby: I think you mean Mordor...

Stag. Fair. Ducuntish, but fair.

Me while painting a house: Having fun yet?
Stag: There's a reason I was born German and not Mexican.

Stag: Grow up, and act 14 like the rest of us.

Bobby: I'm not saying he's a fridge digger...

Titus: Have you ever seen a midget move a couch?

Andrew: What the fuck is happening with lunch? I'm about to either freak out or pass out.

Chris: We're talking about dozens of dollars in bitcoins, Nick.

Andrew: You sound like the office drunk uncle.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Quote List: First Quarter, 2017

Stag: Aww fuck you, ya twat... How's that for sappy?
Me: You still said "aww," ya poof. 

Mila (8 years old): You smell like beer and bacon. 

Stag: I grammatically fucked that so hard all my children will just be vowel sounds.

Stag: Feels like I dropped on concrete. 

Adella: Why are you speaking in a British accent?
Bobby: Because Stag.

Rob: I am in the bathroom, and the lights went out (motion), and I am pooping in total darkness.

Mom: I love you more than ferrets playing in clear tubes. 

Neil: you can't make white paint... Well I mean someone can...

Stag: People tell me I'm opinionated. I try to quell the backlash.

Me: You have glitter in your beard.
Zach: It's probably been there for years. 

Adella: As the hands get smaller, I start sucking more. 

Nick: I got busted by the manager at Dierbergs while putting up wiggly eyes the second time; I was banished. ...I wasn't banished, but we locked eyes and it was mutually understood that both the eyes and myself had to go. 

Me: I feel like your super power would be to lift an empty glass and automatically have a new gin and tonic.
C3: That's just called alcoholism, you insensitive cunt. 

Me: How do you pronounce the name of this city?
Bookshop guy: What's the fastest town in Ireland? Tuam (chooom) 

Stag: See? That's love. I wouldn't do math for you people. 

Me (as requested by Johnna): If I were into forcing things, I'd be dating the stalker I had in high school. 

As Requested by Johnna: 
Johnna: Hey, Abby, what's this look like?
Me: Dick.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Quote List: Forth Quarter, 2016

Del: I've heard that if you count to 8 sneezes, you die.... I get to six, and tears start rolling because I'm saying goodbye to people.

Rob: Look at her calves! They're so small! They're like beef medallions!

Me: Later, gator.
Stag: After while, dickhead.

Stag: We killed something together, so that wasn't gay.

Nick Schulte: We will design with paper and crayons if necessary.

Quentin: ...Still not how jeopardy works.

Quentin: ...Why don't those people have legs?

Andrew: Enhance his mustache.
Dan: ...When you say "enhance his mustache..."

Del: They have subwoofers in the seats!
Michael: Rumble in your bum?

Tony: Er... I guess we should go get drunk..?

Stag: Art keeps me awake.

Coty: This is how I get information about Spiderman.

Coty: I just want to know there is a Russian doll of meat. And it exists for the holidays.

Coty: ...But I assume he had a prostitution problem, and I assume they died.

Caroline: I'm not into the weird shit.

Rob: "The north never forgets..."
Me: Do you mean "The north remembers?"

Mom: I had a great idea for outdoor decor this year, but the Anti-happy Christmas Ass poo pooed it straight to hell.

Stag: I was trying to convey I'd pocket sand a rando.

Stag: I love everything...but I'll pick a fight for pocket sand...

Abby as requested by Rob: I can never find a homeless person when I need one!

Stag: Why is it always AIDS with me?

Mom: first of all, I couldn't eat peanut butter AND jelly together until I was an adult...

Dad, after pretending to sing a native American song...: Want me to do the second verse?

Me: Do you want chicken and broccoli?
Mom: No.
Me: What are you going to have for dinner?
Mom: Grapes.

Dad: uh-oh... I was messing with the thermostat, but I tooted.
Mom: Quote list that shit.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Quote List: Second & Third Quarter, 2016

Friday, April 1, 2016

Quote List: First Quarter 2016

John: Notice anything different about my pants? I put a ruby in there.

Jeff: I come from an Italian family. There's a hierarchy.

Lucky about cyanide in snickers for annoying kids upstairs:
Our change of heart might be noticed at Halloween.

Steve R.: It's not enough fun unless someone's on molly.

Jeff: I'm a horny after-puker.

Mary: do I need to go tase someone?
Lucky.: ... She doesn't have a taser.

Jeff: We're not pregnant.

John: I feel like I look like the guy from Men's Warehouse.

Steve B.: We definitely need to send them a thank you melon... Just wondering about the logistics. Like do I take it to a post office and pretend it is a normal thing to do? Do I apologize when I tell them I need to mail it?

John: Totes ironi, bro.

Rob: I don't think she dabbles in dicks.

Me: You're the best.
Matt: Second best.
Me: Second to..?
Matt: Jesus Christ.

JB: What? What temperature is that? I guess we'll put it at magenta.

John: You got me all psyched up for sex and sleep and now you're all "let's go to a show and stay up until midnight."

Lauren: Look at this, this is how bored I am.

John: I don't know. He's probably a bear. He's more of a troll bear.

Jamie: Ooooh the fucking pickles. They're gonna kill us.

[Redacted]: A midget genie better come out of the bottle and jerk me off.

Jeff. I got fired, went home, put my fur on (cuz it hugs you back), got drunk, and played Fallout 4.

Jeff: Do I look like I play magic?

Johnna: Oh god. I knew there'd be throw up today.

Lauren: Why are they always sticky?

[Redacted]: I have a blender, but someone used it to chop pot... It was me.

Kathy Kelly about Aaron Draplin: He's the Bob Dylan of design.

Aaron Draplin: They spend their money on weed, and knives, and kayaks, and pants that zip down to shorts.

Aaron: It's colder than a mother-in-law's love.

Aaron: I have a lot of questions about Molly Ringwald

Aaron: The smallest jobs can be some of the coolest. Remember that.

Lauren: My mom never let me watch it.
Angie: You sheltered pony.

Rob: Take the drink. Leave the book.

Dad: I found a picture of Lisa, and I threw it away.

Angie: I wonder if we could catch a goose.

Johnna: The blonde lady that just sat down? Her lips look like they have hot dogs in them.

Requested by Johnna after an elderly woman came around collecting money in a jar:
Me: What is this for?
Johnna: The band.
Me: Oh. If she had cancer I would have given her something.

Johnna: That dude at the end of the bar? Profile? Yeah, pedophile.

Johnna: You have to feel like shit to feel good.

Me: Ooh! Grapefruit!
Johnna: Mine tastes like Chlorox.

Me: Where is the rest of your family?
Mike: They went to the emergency room. My mom might have diabetes.

Katie: There's a book in here you'd like; "Rediscovering Jesus."

Diane: I don't think Chinese people can fly.

Diane: I don't know what that word is. It's like I'm reading the bible.

Monday, December 28, 2015

Quote List: Fourth Quarter 2015

Monday, September 28, 2015

Quotes: Third Quarter, 2015

Eric Melin: That's me with the tennis racket dressed like Gene Simmons. 

Eric: We are changed. 

Jason Elm: They're a hateraid drinking group of folks. 

Brendan O'Shaughnessy: Work like a captain. Play like a pirate. 

Me: Please tell me there are sloth memes.
Lauren: There are, and I found all of them. 

Lauren: You shut your mouth, man girl!

Jonny: Are you a dad perchance?
Dane: Fuck no! Just an exceptionally immature 23 year old. 
Jonny: Acceptable. 
Dane: The only children I'm interested in are my cats. 

Lauren: "Thanks for setting us up!" This is not a setup! This is a casual encounter! 

Lauren: That sip tasted like dirt. 

Alex: He's looking at photos of... Is that bacon or steak?
Rob: it's sickle cell anemia. 

Woodge: I feel like it would be a good addition to my deep fry Barbie McDonald's.

Woodge: I need a giraffe on my head. 

Rob: I think you're pretty grandeur. 

Me: They were just talking about you. 
Ryan: Do they think I'm cute? 

Rob after burping at a bag in his hand: I was speaking to these ancient beans in their ancient tongue.

Jason Elm: I had chances to leave, but never a reason. 

Jason: They can take your execution, but they can never take your idea. 

Jason: Capabilities don't give you expertise. 

Jason: Compromise up.

Joey: Bitches have night vision. 

Suzanne: Maybe that's the key—we need to get our clients high. 
Angie: I'll just be over here rolling for you guys. 

Steve: we can walk through there if you want to smell like axe body spray for the next week. 

Nick: Hey, Spencer! Want some whiskey and coke? 
Spencer: uh, duh! -takes the whole glass- 

Mom: Pelicans are assholes, but adorable to look at. 

Rob: Fine art's not going camping. 

Rob: And I can see daylight in her crotch area! 

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Quotes: Second Quarter, 2015

Rob: I watched a three-minute commercial on the internet today. It was for Friskies.

Jason: What's up with this little pile of chocolate, granola, and Tums?

Mom: Her legs are very wrinkly, like ET wrinkly.

Rob: I had a realization the other day at IKEA... Butterfly tattoos are a deal breaker.

Rob: I was not born an old man.

Lyn: It's like having an orgasm.

Dad: Are U2 queer?

Mom: I am not a touch fucker.

Woodge: I like the holocaust

Woodge: Honey, you've dated a couple of lost boys.

Me: You have a website?
Jake: You didn't google me?

Jake: A4 is mathematically sexy.

Me: I'd be okay if the zombie apocalypse happened today.
Rob: ...I don't have that many bullets.

Me: I'm going to start sending you boxes of stuff.
Rob: Yes! I love boxes. They can even be empty.

Ryan: He plays a fife.

Rob: This sandwich is going to be messy.
Me: That's okay, I'll just eat it with a fork.
Rob: No! You cannot eat it with a fork!
Me: Why does that bother you so much?
Rob: Because we have forks! Right here! -spirit fingers-

Rob: Close your eyes. Smell this. Doesn't that make you want to be a pirate?

Rob: You're basically walking through a sea of worthless.

Rob: Punch him in the dick like a grown woman.

Rob: I am laughing like a crazy person alone in my apartment.

Nick Garvey: Why does everyone that shops at Walmart look like toes?

Alistair: I'm just an immigrant.

Brooke: All we did is hunt and forage.
Lauren: I thought you said, "all we ate was porridge."

Brooke: Do you have walker's cough, Lauren?

Steve: One of my big goals in life right now is to chill with a penguin. 

Monday, April 6, 2015

Quotes: First Quarter 2015