Monday, December 30, 2013

Quotes: Fourth Quarter 2013 (most of them, anyway...)

Due to a glitch, a chunk of the quote list was sadly lost forever in a sea of technological misfortune. On the plus side, the quotes that remain intact are worth the read :) 

Cash: I will wear a helmet. 

Mark: ...we keep him in the basement. 

Rob: It's like drinking a campfire. 

Rob: I'm like a 14 year old girl....

Sinh: I never shower. Fuck that. 

Steve: Actually, I'm waiting for my gun so I can get the hell out of here!

Druid: I've got a case of princessites.

Rob: You fucking suck. At life. 

Rob: I guess I could be Robin... 

Rob: What if I don't want him to do it?

Vedran: I trimmed my Serbian beard. 

C3: they're pleated. They hide stuff. 

C3: I don't know what he's looking at down there. 

Cash: I'll text you if I'm funny. 

C3: So what do you do when you're not wearing sweaters and drinking beer?

Cash: Isn't that the plot of Jurassic Park?

Chris Seaton: I could probably tackle an Australian / New Zeland gal. 

Rob: I used to think capers were gross, too. Then I grew up. 

Rob: You can't have Fritos?!

Cash: If this text conversation was about to be a college level research paper, that would be the motherfucking hook, my friend. 

Rob: I just learned that Sprite is the number one drink for helping with a hangover. I don't really like sprite, but I'd give it a try. 
9-10: Rob walks in and sets a giant bottle of sprite on my desk. 

Mark: The last time I tried to program my garage door opener using a YouTube, I opened my neighbor's. 

Mark: If you are not Scottish a kilt is just a skirt. 

Nhu: They have happy hour from 2-6
C3: Every hour is happy for me.
Mark: Every hour is not happy for me. I will not sugar coat it. 

Rob: Do not take anything I say seriously unless I say..."I'm serious."

Rob: Facebook is for children. 

Rob: This is how you make me feel when you order me to do things...

Mark: I just need you to find me the fairies. 

Cash: Tegan and Sara are my spirit animal. 

Woodge: Let's just call it a rapey bar. 

Woodge: I know you're friends with him, but it looks like he dyed his hair with koolaid.
Cash: I'm about 87% sure he did. 

Cash: You're interesting. 
Woodge: Thanks. I'm 30.

Cash: Do you want me to get more wood? Do you want me to blow on it?

Cash: You make me happy on a spiritual level. 

Woodge: I love this night. Lets give hugs. 

Woodge: Ducks like meth. 

Cash: If I ever own a duck... 

Woodge: He doesn't have teeth.

Rob: I'm like a little girl. Bladder the size of a thimble. 

Jax: That's not what I'm trying to say. The monkey is not in the oven. 

Me: Is that a burn mark?
Mark: Yes. I set it on fire. 

C3: Do you think that truck is full of blood?

C3: I'm gonna go pee in the alley.


Cash: It's thicker than I'm used to.

Cash: Weird place for the trail to be

Cash: That's one thing Jim Beam has on candy...


Mark: That would be gay.

Mark: I find great release in ironing.

Mark: Dogs don't count. Especially starving weird ones.


Cash: If I could give one thing to the block...

Cash: Card master and picking thumbs. 


Cash to me: Settle down, White Fang.

Me: What kind of pizza do you like?

Cash: Baby making music.


Vedran: Anyone listen to the new Eminem album?
Me: Yes. Love it.
Vedran: Tits.


C3: If you wear a suit without gloves you look like a business man. If you wear a suit with gloves you look like an assassin.

Cash: You made a waffle called The Smith & Wesson?

Me: I did indeed...
Cash: Marriage material. 

Rob: ... But if you fuck up my fu-man...

Rob: I look like a catfish.


Vedran: Sinh, I'm going to visit you this weekend and chop your fingers off.

C3: Why is everyone laughing today? FROWN!

Doner: Thumb meat butt.

C3: That was a joke about domestic violence. It was funny.

Garvey: I don't know what this is. "Stockholm syndrome?" Am I retarded?

Me and c3: Yes.

Anthony: When I popped what came out?

Garvey: A defective condom would have been good....

C3: BAM! me Emeral.

C3: I bite my thumb at thee!

Anthony: Well I give you the raspberries.

Garvey: That's because Mexico is dirty.

C3: Dammit she loves pterodactyl eggs! She fucking loves pterodactyl eggs!

Anthony: I can fix it! ...I can't fix it.

Anthony pushes the table, and looks around confused: Oh. I meant to scoot myself.

Garvey: She's a fat fucking bitch.

Me: I thought you loved her.
Garvey. I do.

Anthony. That wasn't even funny, but I laughed at it.

Garvey: HAHAHA! Iiiiii need to look this up.

Anthony: Actually those look like the gloves you'd wear when you kill someone...


Rob. I'm offering you an egg. I'm offering you an egg, and you're laughing at me.

Rob: Do you like peas?

C3: The sun will come out tomorrow

Cash: Doubt it.


Joe: My sister used to throw scissors at me.

Me: I'm working on my stop motion.

Cash: Me too. As in, I've stopped moving.

Doner: That's ok. I was too busy emailing you from the future.

M2: That was you?!


Rob: feels like a bad moon rising...


Sinh: Danel!
Danel: What!?
Sinh: It works.
Danel: Oh my god. Here I come.

Seaton: It's a tri-win-da

Seaton: Oh! Here's me in a turtle shell.

Seaton: I have a chest, too.


Garvey. I like the Latino bitch.
Cash: She's Israeli.

Random guy at Picassos: One of my buddies... Is writing a book.... About dragons.

Garvey: Cupboards!? I like people that say "cupboards." Ah. Sorry. Continue.

Cash: Have you ever tasted a real man?


Shea: I like murder.

Shea: He's tiny and he's fast, and he can fit under trees!

Ellie: Oh my god. This is not my favorite song.

Shea. I'm just tired from getting low.


M2: I got shocked in the ear hole the other day...


Rob: .... I just saw Steve running.

Rob: ... Can I just pet her??


Shanesha: That pie was amazing. I wanna put it in some ice cream... Or a milkshake... I need a nap.


Mom. I need my.... Get it for me!

Druid's Nick: Who licked me?


Rob: Definitely had dreams with raccoons in them last night.

Me: What is it with you and those gloves?

C3: They separate me from this filthy world.

Rob: Wanna make sausage?


Me: That actually made me really happy.
Rob: Are you blushing?

Vedran to Sinh: Shut up. Go back to your zone. Nobody likes you.


Hitler was pretty awesome.

Howard: I'm a guy. There's blue and orange and pink... And sometimes you mix them and get different colors...?


Rob: You know how many people are not coordinated? Lots.

Rob: Look. I even found one that's small and broken for you.

Rob: Have you ever thought about genocide?

Rob. Sausage making bee man.

Rob: From butts to wieners.

Nhu: Are you ok?

Vedran: I'm drunk.

M2: Hey, Danel is here!

Vedran: Let's punch him in the throat!


C3: I love man meat.

C3: At least you don't have a crappy little hand.

Anthony: What's a figgy pudding?

C3 Do I touch it?


Rob: Shoot me
Me: Only if you shoot me first
Rob: Aww. It's like a death pact. How cute.

Me: Why do you keep bees?

Rob: it's like having 60,000 little pets.

Rob: hahahajajajaha... That was me laughing partly in Spanish.


Rob one of these days I'm going to wear my wrestling clothes and then your ass is mine.

Rob: my jeans aren't that tight.

Cash: Oh nom nom nom. Daddy issues.

Cash: I look like a pink candle kind of guy.

C3: Rube-in-stine


Cash: I have a tongue like iron


Starbucks guy: She's like a chinchilla. She takes baths in dust.

Jake: I really want to go back to my family.

Shea: Know what I like about drag queens?


Caroline: Someone needs a nap. And it's me.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Quotes: Third Quarter 2013

C3 about the meatballs my mom was cooking: How close are those to being done?

Jonny: I used to have a crush on Mulder... That's the woman right?

Shea: Are those Xmen dollars?

Erica: That's weird. That's a weird thing to love. 

Vanessa after a super loud firework: Oh my god is that ok!?

Shea: You should watch Erica's sex syrup. 

M2: I mean... I remember going to Cracker Barrel....
Me: You mean Crack Fox?

M2: I like fodder. It's a good word, starts with f...

M2: Small dreams in the day time.

C3: It's like a dragon eating a rat fetus. 

Mom: Grab that baby!

Nhu: Where'd I put that sandwich? Oh shit. It's on the floor. 

Mom: I think she buffed a hair off my toe and then laughed about it. 

Emily: Hopefully I make some friends, and they don't like... rape me. 

C3: There was too much talking and not enough robot fighting. 

M2: Too late. Already touching it. 

Me: You'd get a nice nap in.
M2: Yeah it's called a concussion.

I mean I like powdered sugar, but not on twat waffles.

I mean if my fictional girlfriend told me we were having twat waffles for breakfast.... 

Mark: Now I can drink another ten cups of coffee and die. 

Mark: This is the stripper by the way. Thanks for that.
Audrey: How do you know?
Mark: She told me. In the interview.

Sue: Try to look black.
Jake: He tried to drown me.

C3: I sat in some sap.

Mark to me: You are my father. 

Doner: Cheerio, mother fucker.

Ol: I hope your day is game as fuck. 

Dad: It sounds profane. If anyone FBed me I'd go kick their ass.

C3: nothing cures boredom like cocaine. 

C3: I like hitting things with sticks.

Emily: I'm pregnant with thought. 

C3: Look at that kitty. It's like a little panther. 

Emily: Do you remember the robot that was stalking me?

Me: I could get you some kale.
Mark: I'd rather die. 

Mark. What are these mason jars in here? It looks like urine.

Sinh: He's a cool cat, and I like cats. 

C3: Have you ever seen a kangaroo? They are t-rex deer. 

M2: Can I pass on this post-hiking breakfast? I'm afraid this may manifest into post-hiking mid-day drinking. 

C3: There's your dose of smiles for the day.

Mike T: They poop out eggs. A lot. 

Jake, about N64: Want me to let you win?

Druid: I know how to handle a staff. 

C3: You're a vampire.

Nick Garvey: I hate churches because.... 

Nick Garvey: I bet you did. Because you're a great artist. 

Random bar guy: I have a Ryan Adams tattoo. 

Nick Garvey: I know what his job is. He's a Walmart greeter. 

Nick Garvey: I'm straight right now. I'd fuck a girl right now. 

Nick Garvey: I could sell this cigarette for a crack rock. 

Nick Garvey: I'm sorry my fancy shoes don't click when I walk. 

C3: I hope I don't look like that when I run. 

Nick Garvey: I pissed on Wash U. 

C3: You thought about it and then you ran into the bushes. 

Tim: Were you the bait?

Audrey to Druid: I'm gonna stab you later. 

Tim: I can't finish a bottle of Hendricks. I'll die.

C3: ...and there's my train of thought so no one ask me any more questions.

M2: There's nothing but crazy, and cocaine, and bitches. 

Emily: Lord of the Rings characters: Smeagol.
C3: Aragorn.
Me: Gandalf
Nhu: Is it Billy..?

C3: I'm the second coming of Aaron Carter. Carter two.

Mom. He's gay... is he strong?

Mark: I don't want you to see his naked body. 

Mom: She's six, and I'm afraid of this little bitch. She's gonna shank me. 

Woodge: I'm going to steal this, and I don't want anyone to see
Me: What is it?
Woodge: This rock. 

Cash: I like leather. 

Cash: To the disappointment of many a fellow, I'm not.

Me: Sit still.
Keo: I can't do that, or I'll explode. My whole body is the bus from Speed.

C3: I think our intern is getting cheeky. 

C3: All the tasties are back. 

Mark to me: If you google "Chris Bruehl" your photo comes up.

Mark: What are you doing, Chris?
Doner: Googling "spider eyes."

Advice from Kidwell: Pepto and vodka. 

Mark: Sure that's just what we need. Give you sharp objects to throw.
Cash: So that's going to be a whole bunch of pajamas.

Cash: No one expects velocorapters.

Cash: 20-80.

Cash: Sometimes, I'm a keeper.

Cash: You know what happens when I don't fidget? My butt hurts! 

Cash: I like how my head feels.

Cash: I wish you could feel my head.... no... from the inside.

Cash: You might want to get more water cuz I drank yours too. ...I started laughing when I finished both. 

Emily: .........glob glob.

C3: I'm not sure what to do with that. I'm going to let that one simmer. 

C3: I like him... He's just so fucking different. In so many ways.

M2: ...Sorry pupils are dilated. 

Julian. I like Science City
Me: You mean the Science Center?

Me: I like cinnamon on grits.
Lance: I like cinnamon on butter. 

Cash: Raptor assisted genocide. 
Cash. You have to know when to pull out. 

Doner: Want to see something awesome?
M2: Does it involve a primary color?

Doner: We suck five!

Emily: I don't like random solids surprising me in my liquids! 
C3: Not supposed to be a surprise or random. 

Doug: You want to do what with that!?

Daniel Ronnback: It's bluebird, and between every photo you have the best days of your life. 

Doner to M2: Are you eating yogurt and steak? 

Antoine Berger: Life is a succession of choices. 

C3: I'm not really a montage person.

Doner: I was going for "ghost." You're the only person that can see me. See? Sinh. Sinh. Hey Sinh!

M2: I want to steal his keys... GTA 5 is coming out soon and I kinda want to prepare... These are very girly keys. I don't want them anymore. How would Doner set down his keys? -slams them down- 

Vedran: you want me to go hiking? I'm foreign!

C3: Now I'm going to search that and see what comes up... This is a fun game. 

C3: You should bring me meat every day. 

Emily: This is blasph-fucking-eme 

C3: It takes a special kind of man to look attractive when he's pooping. 

Emily: What are you... like... a manist? 

Megan: I understand white people speak. 

Mom: She doesn't drink!
Sue: But she's still funny...

Pawpaw: eat the hamburger. Don't eat the pie. 

Cash: And soon I will recede into my subterranean lair. ...Soon. 

Matt: I thought it was black people and everyone else. 

Vedran: Love you. No homo. 

C3: I'm like 25% Chinese at this point.

Mark: Cut this. CUT IT FOR ME!

Cash: Anytime I look for anything in this house I find a gun instead. Looking for packing tape? Gun. Lighter fluid? Gun. I'm sure everything I need in life is actually in the gun safe.

Cash: I'll kiss a girl with lip gloss!

Vedran: Did you see that!?
Doner: I did. I'm impressed.
Vedran leaves.
Doner: I'm not really impressed.

Cash: I don't rely on medicine to make me feel better, but whiskey has been around for centuries. 

Cash: Where did he go? I'm so concerned.
Chris Seaton: Are you going to straw it again?
Cash: Might as well. I'm not enjoying it.
Cash: I don't always insult people, but when I do I make sure it's a good un. 

Cash: I'd drink for you. Cash 9-24

Cash: What your gonna do... Is change the dates. 
Cash: I want you to use this insult... (starts laughing and forgets what it was.)
Mark: I got the idea from Donut Palace!

Mark: What else can we get juice from? The blood of former employees?

C3: Doesn't he cough on you in your sleep?

Cash: I don't always talk a lot, but when I do it's about Johnny cash. 

Mark: My three year old calls him "the funny little man."

Dawn: He looks like a giant wolverine 

That's what I call retarded!

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Quotes: Second Quarter 2013

C3: I'm bringing a couple of shirts and sherberdas.

C3: I'll bring you back something fun. Like bird flu.

Ryan: Is that Cam?
Me: No. It's a guy named Brian.
Ryan: Is that Cam's brother?

We did drugs off a cookbook.

Megan: Should I cough on that bike seat?

Nick: Don't question my uncooked pizza.

Me: Can I have a piece of the pizza?
Nick: I don't even cut it.

Megan: Wait… why is cake in parenthesis? If it means inebriation, then yes.

Shea: Hope is dead.
Vanessa: Best team captain ever.

Mark: I like drawing attention to my chest.

Joel: I'm a well of odd lingo

Woodge: Porcu-fucking-pine.

Mom: Do you have glaucoma?
Sue: No. Autism.

Sue: There goes Jim's chance.
Jim: No.
Sue: Best chance.

Sinh: Haha…. Hahahaha…. ha…
Me: What's so funny over there?
Sinh: I'm just trying to make a shitty situation better.

Mark: I can see this being creepy forever… There's a seven foot Asian man.

Tom: We're going to have great adventures. And they start tonight!

Sean: Do YOU hate Japan??

C3: Its an ancient shake weight.

C3: Never give me a sword in real life.

C3: Hello, Mr. Black Man.

C3: I took off my clothes to be quieter.

C3: I'm gonna stab your ass.

We have two clients. And one of them is Audrey.

No Pocket Friday. It can be our next Twitter campaign.

I ejaculated a smile.

Emily: He'd be like… Ew. You know? Cuz I'm a girl…

Me: You can keep this (highlighter). It matches the color of your shorts.
C3: Thanks. I can keep it in my pocket with the cap off.

M2: I'm going to the bathroom to cry by myself. You tell no one about this.

Shea: I'd slit Mother Nature's throat if she were in front of me.

C3: Just think about me when you're looking at your leftovers.

C3: Maybe you're just permanently retarded.

C3: I've got some knives….

C3: Ohh. What's this magical faerie castle?

C3: What's your name, butt boy?

Mark to Sinh: I'm going to start calling you Pocahontas.

C3: Seems like a good business for me to make black magic robes for a living.

C3: I need to tend my health.

C3: I gave him a staff of zombies so he brought that guy back.
Me: So your friend made a friend?
C3: Mmhmm. It's like paying it forward.

C3: You're gonna run out of magic soon, and then you're gonna be a sad fucking panda.

Sinh: I'm so glad I have cable again. Spent all day watching hardcore porn… Pawn!

C3: Whenever I went to the galleria with Sinh. I used to go to the movie theater for popcorn and eat it in the food court.

What do you consider a cock ring? Let's talk about that.

Emily: What's this?
C3: My happy station.

C3: I have a good joke, but I'm saving it.

Mark: Notice anything suspicious? They're all Asian porn people.

Nhu: Megan! Stop moving your face! …What are you doing?
Megan: I can't move my face.
Nhu: I can't either.

Nhu: It's dark in here. I'm thirsty. I need some water.

Megan: I'm only putting it in your mouth a little bit.

Digi: You eat like you're pregnant with three kids.

Digi: Remember the salmon?

Nhu: You threw up in this place!?

M2: Poor Remy? Poor me! You need a bigger cat. That thing takes forever.

M2: C3 likes everything.

Chris Doner to Mark's kids as Sinh chases them: Don't let him get you! He's got diseases….

Dad: You look like you've been up all night on speed.

G: I reckon if I move fast enough the rain can't touch me.

Megan: it smells like child.

Doner: -grumble grumble- Asians…
Sinh: I'm used to tropical weather.
Doner: I know. Go home.

Adalyn: Who's that?
Mark: That's a big Asian.
Adalyn: Hug him.

Sinh: Did you guys just see Frodo?

Mark: You didn't bring your teacher an apple?
Doner: This isn't the 50s, Mark.

Mark: Haha. You people are actually bringing me joy today.

C3: Nothing exists.

C3: Going to get more sassy juice.

Megan: I sat at the bar to see if I could attract weirdos in my nasty clothes, and I can. He's rocking back and forth.

Sinh: ….I guess if you're hunting sharks and mermaids…

Sinh: I'd love to play with a monkey like that.

Me: Like a bro date?
M2: Woah. Woah. …yes.

Mark: I'm not taking any photos. I'm taking a sandwich and I'm going to find a stone to sit by.

Sinh talking about meeting a gynecologist: I have so many questions. It's like meeting God.

Just jerking off and driving… they teach you that in trucker school.

C3: Check this out. I'm trying to pull this out of here. It's stuck.

M2: I'm busy.

C3: This is the special hand.

Sinh: You were talking? Penises?

Nhu: Remy! Stranger Danger!

C3: I like emus, but not ostriches.

No. I'm just gonna fuck your mom.

Lance: We just like making you laugh.

Lance: I hate you, change. You fill my pocket with sorrow.

Lance: To me, Chicago is a state.