Quote List: Fourth Quarter, 2017

10-3 

Adella: I like how LA has neither confirmed nor denied, and everyone is excited.

10-7

Trex: Gonna turn on Netflix and chill alone. 

10-16

Airport lady: If he’s crying, he doesn’t like it. 

Stag: Better finish this handle before I go play with power tools. 

Stag: If I'm gonna stick something in there, let me make it a better one.

10-26

Jessica walks into the bathroom and closes the door: Aww maaan. I have chocolate all over my face.

11-4

Chris: I’m too lazy to be a serial killer. 

11-9

Stag: So Im thinking it's mostly just drugs and dreams and cottonmouth.

11-18

Adella: you’re not drinking enough if that wasn’t logical 

LA: My feet are wet. 

LA: I woke up, looked at my hand, and said, “aww... my ass hole is gone.”

11-26

Abby U.: Did you see her nipples?

11-29

Philip: My dad always said growing up, “give a firm handshake, and don’t send dick pics.” 

12-9

Stag: You Clark Kent looking mother fucker. 

Egg: I really wanted a sword for my 16th birthday, but my dad got me a gun instead. 

12-13 

Trent: I’m not a good drinker. I just get really sleepy... take a lotta naps. 

12-22

Titus to Chris: Why didn’t your receptionist, Dan, ask if I wanted anything to drink?

Dan: Because I will never care about your needs. 

12-25

Mom: We be sa-day boo. 

Mom: This guy in the car next to us has an UGLY little dog. ...It makes me judge him. 

Aaron Draplin quotes from an event I went to: 

"With all of you people here who the fuck is guarding the town?!" 

"The perfect sprinkle of shitty." 

"Don’t lie to people. (Republicans are fair game.)"

"I'm always looking at dead shit."

"Unmesswithable properties."

"He had breath like earth worms."

"Give him back to the universe."

"I’ll be doing the materials."

"Design is death, too."

Quote List: Third Quarter, 2017

7-5 

Stag: Hope you can read my writing. I studied at the institute of calligraphy for inebriated chickens.

7-7

Rob: So it's "we" when you're drinking? 

7-12

Titus: I read one book a year, and that's The Great Gatsby.

Dan: All the old people in this commercial are dead now. 

7-20 

Stag: The weapon of joy....dick nickname...called it!

Stag: Can't change hotdogs in the middle of the river.

Stag; Well if my tastes aren't "palatable" you might jerk the wheel into a goddamned dutch bridge abutment.

7-22

AJ: ...that song is about breakfast food. 

7-27 

Stag: Redneck smith life struggle is real: Gluing leather to a block fore a new strop with spray adhesive...arm was stuck to my computer desk... Thought I caught myself with the mist... It was bbq sauce from my ribs tonight.

7-29

Trent: Awww look at this quaint little town. ...I could never fucking live here. 

8-5

Johnna: That's easy to remember; "Cock."

Abby: Cock is always easy to remember, even when you wish you could forget. 

8-10

Mom: Who needs the eclipse when I can just be blinded by texts from my kids! 

8-12

LA: That makes sense; Opium. 

Stag: So we're talking 1 out of 3 on incest. Bad odds. 

8-17

Dan: Rooney's Facebook page is like all snakes, all the time. 

8-26 

LA: ...we called him Party Pockets.

8-28

Stag: Don't pass the buck. 

Me: I always pass the buck. 'Tis why I'm broke. 

8-29

Nick: I need more Christmas tree.  

9-8

Stag: Expand that. Make seams, not division. 

Stag: I no homo. Barely homo sapien. 

Stag: I'm slightly soberer. 

Quote List: Second Quarter, 2017

4-5
Steve: At least you can avoid that conflict...
Me via Steve: I don't mind conflict when I get my way.

4-19
Alan: ...Spyrates.

4-28
Stag: It's my fault for ordering a boys-size small. Men-sized pants just don't make my ass look good.

5-1
Adella: Just give him a bag of meat-flavored dick cookies.

5-2
Me: I'm just making sure I'm answering your actual question. You tend to word things in ways that have a lot of potential outcomes.
Stag: I played too many RPGs growing up. Sorry.

5-5
Nick Schulte: I ordered a hundred... or maybe fifty...? I ordered fucking paper towels.

Me: I sent my inner fat kid to fat camp for the summer.
Max: That's like conversion therapy!

5-8
Stag about my pink prof pic: Very pretty counter to your barbaric nature.

5-9
Grable: Don't damn me because I make you smile.

5-11
Stag: I am a bear... and I am balls deep.

Stag: ...See...this is how Hiroshima and Nagasaki happened.

Lillie: Process is fridge-worthy.

5-12
Stag: I'd rather eat that then put it on my body.

5-13
Me via Johnna: I'm thinking about getting a hermit crab.
Johnna: You want a hermit crab?
Me: Not really; I'm just lonely and want something to take care of.

5-18
Michael: You haven't gotten to the Hodor scene yet.
Robby: I think you mean Mordor...

Stag. Fair. Ducuntish, but fair.

5-21
Me while painting a house: Having fun yet?
Stag: There's a reason I was born German and not Mexican.

Stag: Grow up, and act 14 like the rest of us.

5-28
Bobby: I'm not saying he's a fridge digger...

6-8
Titus: Have you ever seen a midget move a couch?

6-14
Andrew: What the fuck is happening with lunch? I'm about to either freak out or pass out.

6-16
Chris: We're talking about dozens of dollars in bitcoins, Nick.

6-26
Andrew: You sound like the office drunk uncle.

Quote List: First Quarter, 2017

12-27ish 

Stag: Aww fuck you, ya twat... How's that for sappy?

Me: You still said "aww," ya poof. 

1-2

Mila (8 years old): You smell like beer and bacon. 

1-12

Stag: I grammatically fucked that so hard all my children will just be vowel sounds.

1-28

Stag: Feels like I dropped on concrete. 

Adella: Why are you speaking in a British accent?

Bobby: Because Stag.

1-30

Rob: I am in the bathroom, and the lights went out (motion), and I am pooping in total darkness.

1-31 

Mom: I love you more than ferrets playing in clear tubes. 

2-4

Neil: you can't make white paint... Well I mean someone can...

2-11

Stag: People tell me I'm opinionated. I try to quell the backlash.

2-13

Me: You have glitter in your beard.

Zach: It's probably been there for years. 

2-17

Adella: As the hands get smaller, I start sucking more. 

3-2

Nick: I got busted by the manager at Dierbergs while putting up wiggly eyes the second time; I was banished. ...I wasn't banished, but we locked eyes and it was mutually understood that both the eyes and myself had to go. 

3-7 

Me: I feel like your super power would be to lift an empty glass and automatically have a new gin and tonic.

C3: That's just called alcoholism, you insensitive cunt. 

3-13

Me: How do you pronounce the name of this city?

Bookshop guy: What's the fastest town in Ireland? Tuam (chooom) 

3-25

Stag: See? That's love. I wouldn't do math for you people. 

3-30

Me (as requested by Johnna): If I were into forcing things, I'd be dating the stalker I had in high school. 

As Requested by Johnna: 

Johnna: Hey, Abby, what's this look like?

Me: Dick.

Quote List: Forth Quarter, 2016

10-6
Del: I've heard that if you count to 8 sneezes, you die.... I get to six, and tears start rolling because I'm saying goodbye to people.

10-7
Rob: Look at her calves! They're so small! They're like beef medallions!

10-14
Me: Later, gator.
Stag: After while, dickhead.

10-15
Stag: We killed something together, so that wasn't gay.

10-21
Nick Schulte: We will design with paper and crayons if necessary.

10-26
Quentin: ...Still not how jeopardy works.

10-30
Quentin: ...Why don't those people have legs?

Andrew: Enhance his mustache.
Dan: ...When you say "enhance his mustache..."

10-31
Del: They have subwoofers in the seats!
Michael: Rumble in your bum?

11-4
Tony: Er... I guess we should go get drunk..?

11-6
Stag: Art keeps me awake.

11-10
Coty: This is how I get information about Spiderman.

Coty: I just want to know there is a Russian doll of meat. And it exists for the holidays.

Coty: ...But I assume he had a prostitution problem, and I assume they died.

11-20
Caroline: I'm not into the weird shit.

11-29
Rob: "The north never forgets..."
Me: Do you mean "The north remembers?"

12-11
Mom: I had a great idea for outdoor decor this year, but the Anti-happy Christmas Ass poo pooed it straight to hell.

12-12
Stag: I was trying to convey I'd pocket sand a rando.

Stag: I love everything...but I'll pick a fight for pocket sand...

12-17-16
Abby as requested by Rob: I can never find a homeless person when I need one!

12-18
Stag: Why is it always AIDS with me?

12-20
Mom: first of all, I couldn't eat peanut butter AND jelly together until I was an adult...

12-22
Dad, after pretending to sing a native American song...: Want me to do the second verse?

Me: Do you want chicken and broccoli?
Mom: No.
Me: What are you going to have for dinner?
Mom: Grapes.

12-25
Dad: uh-oh... I was messing with the thermostat, but I tooted.
Mom: Quote list that shit.