Thursday, October 5, 2017

Quote List: Third Quarter, 2017

7-5 
Stag: Hope you can read my writing. I studied at the institute of calligraphy for inebriated chickens.

7-7
Rob: So it's "we" when you're drinking? 

7-12
Titus: I read one book a year, and that's The Great Gatsby.

Dan: All the old people in this commercial are dead now. 

7-20 
Stag: The weapon of joy....dick nickname...called it!

Stag: Can't change hotdogs in the middle of the river.

Stag; Well if my tastes aren't "palatable" you might jerk the wheel into a goddamned dutch bridge abutment.

7-22
AJ: ...that song is about breakfast food. 

7-27 
Stag: Redneck smith life struggle is real: Gluing leather to a block fore a new strop with spray adhesive...arm was stuck to my computer desk... Thought I caught myself with the mist... It was bbq sauce from my ribs tonight.

7-29
Trent: Awww look at this quaint little town. ...I could never fucking live here. 

8-5
Johnna: That's easy to remember; "Cock."
Abby: Cock is always easy to remember, even when you wish you could forget. 

8-10
Mom: Who needs the eclipse when I can just be blinded by texts from my kids! 

8-12
LA: That makes sense; Opium. 

Stag: So we're talking 1 out of 3 on incest. Bad odds. 

8-17
Dan: Rooney's Facebook page is like all snakes, all the time. 

8-26 
LA: ...we called him Party Pockets.

8-28
Stag: Don't pass the buck. 
Me: I always pass the buck. 'Tis why I'm broke. 

8-29
Nick: I need more Christmas tree.  

9-8
Stag: Expand that. Make seams, not division. 

Stag: I no homo. Barely homo sapien. 

Stag: I'm slightly soberer. 

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Quote List: Second Quarter, 2017

4-5
Steve: At least you can avoid that conflict...
Me via Steve: I don't mind conflict when I get my way.

4-19
Alan: ...Spyrates.

4-28
Stag: It's my fault for ordering a boys-size small. Men-sized pants just don't make my ass look good.

5-1
Adella: Just give him a bag of meat-flavored dick cookies.

5-2
Me: I'm just making sure I'm answering your actual question. You tend to word things in ways that have a lot of potential outcomes.
Stag: I played too many RPGs growing up. Sorry.

5-5
Nick Schulte: I ordered a hundred... or maybe fifty...? I ordered fucking paper towels.

Me: I sent my inner fat kid to fat camp for the summer.
Max: That's like conversion therapy!

5-8
Stag about my pink prof pic: Very pretty counter to your barbaric nature.

5-9
Grable: Don't damn me because I make you smile.

5-11
Stag: I am a bear... and I am balls deep.

Stag: ...See...this is how Hiroshima and Nagasaki happened.

Lillie: Process is fridge-worthy.

5-12
Stag: I'd rather eat that then put it on my body.

5-13
Me via Johnna: I'm thinking about getting a hermit crab.
Johnna: You want a hermit crab?
Me: Not really; I'm just lonely and want something to take care of.

5-18
Michael: You haven't gotten to the Hodor scene yet.
Robby: I think you mean Mordor...

Stag. Fair. Ducuntish, but fair.

5-21
Me while painting a house: Having fun yet?
Stag: There's a reason I was born German and not Mexican.

Stag: Grow up, and act 14 like the rest of us.

5-28
Bobby: I'm not saying he's a fridge digger...

6-8
Titus: Have you ever seen a midget move a couch?

6-14
Andrew: What the fuck is happening with lunch? I'm about to either freak out or pass out.

6-16
Chris: We're talking about dozens of dollars in bitcoins, Nick.

6-26
Andrew: You sound like the office drunk uncle.


Saturday, April 1, 2017

Quote List: First Quarter, 2017

12-27ish 
Stag: Aww fuck you, ya twat... How's that for sappy?
Me: You still said "aww," ya poof. 


1-2
Mila (8 years old): You smell like beer and bacon. 

1-12
Stag: I grammatically fucked that so hard all my children will just be vowel sounds.

1-28
Stag: Feels like I dropped on concrete. 

Adella: Why are you speaking in a British accent?
Bobby: Because Stag.

1-30
Rob: I am in the bathroom, and the lights went out (motion), and I am pooping in total darkness.

1-31 
Mom: I love you more than ferrets playing in clear tubes. 

2-4
Neil: you can't make white paint... Well I mean someone can...

2-11
Stag: People tell me I'm opinionated. I try to quell the backlash.

2-13
Me: You have glitter in your beard.
Zach: It's probably been there for years. 

2-17
Adella: As the hands get smaller, I start sucking more. 

3-2
Nick: I got busted by the manager at Dierbergs while putting up wiggly eyes the second time; I was banished. ...I wasn't banished, but we locked eyes and it was mutually understood that both the eyes and myself had to go. 

3-7 
Me: I feel like your super power would be to lift an empty glass and automatically have a new gin and tonic.
C3: That's just called alcoholism, you insensitive cunt. 

3-13
Me: How do you pronounce the name of this city?
Bookshop guy: What's the fastest town in Ireland? Tuam (chooom) 

3-25
Stag: See? That's love. I wouldn't do math for you people. 

3-30
Me (as requested by Johnna): If I were into forcing things, I'd be dating the stalker I had in high school. 

As Requested by Johnna: 
Johnna: Hey, Abby, what's this look like?
Me: Dick.






Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Quote List: Forth Quarter, 2016

10-6
Del: I've heard that if you count to 8 sneezes, you die.... I get to six, and tears start rolling because I'm saying goodbye to people.

10-7
Rob: Look at her calves! They're so small! They're like beef medallions!

10-14
Me: Later, gator.
Stag: After while, dickhead.

10-15
Stag: We killed something together, so that wasn't gay.

10-21
Nick Schulte: We will design with paper and crayons if necessary.

10-26
Quentin: ...Still not how jeopardy works.

10-30
Quentin: ...Why don't those people have legs?

Andrew: Enhance his mustache.
Dan: ...When you say "enhance his mustache..."

10-31
Del: They have subwoofers in the seats!
Michael: Rumble in your bum?

11-4
Tony: Er... I guess we should go get drunk..?

11-6
Stag: Art keeps me awake.

11-10
Coty: This is how I get information about Spiderman.

Coty: I just want to know there is a Russian doll of meat. And it exists for the holidays.

Coty: ...But I assume he had a prostitution problem, and I assume they died.

11-20
Caroline: I'm not into the weird shit.

11-29
Rob: "The north never forgets..."
Me: Do you mean "The north remembers?"

12-11
Mom: I had a great idea for outdoor decor this year, but the Anti-happy Christmas Ass poo pooed it straight to hell.

12-12
Stag: I was trying to convey I'd pocket sand a rando.

Stag: I love everything...but I'll pick a fight for pocket sand...

12-17-16
Abby as requested by Rob: I can never find a homeless person when I need one!

12-18
Stag: Why is it always AIDS with me?

12-20
Mom: first of all, I couldn't eat peanut butter AND jelly together until I was an adult...

12-22
Dad, after pretending to sing a native American song...: Want me to do the second verse?

Me: Do you want chicken and broccoli?
Mom: No.
Me: What are you going to have for dinner?
Mom: Grapes.

12-25
Dad: uh-oh... I was messing with the thermostat, but I tooted.
Mom: Quote list that shit.