Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Quotes January 1, 2012 - August 31, 2012

1-3-12
Mom: I had a drug test and a TB test on my arm. They like me.

1-6
Julian: I stood up and could feel it in my legs.

Julian: You can't touch me while I'm touching myself.

1-26
Julian: It's a machine gun of happy beams.

1-18
Candace: You found him first. Besides, he's probably already in love with you. He'd be like, get away from me, vanilla wench! I already have my minty bride. I would be very happy for you. And attend the wedding. Looking for his brothers.

2-6
Matt A.: Can you take professional photos of me and my cat?

2-8
Mom: This is where they find the bodies.

2-11
Lance: Come. Hold this.

2-27
Jason: It's like getting punched right in the motivation.

3-1
Brenda after getting her change from the soda machine: It's Vegas!

3-10
ShaNae: What is wrong with these crazy whores?

Sue: She was just ugly. You just equated that with mean.

Sue: Who's taking so long at the brisket?

3-27
Paul to Jonny: You look like a dingo- Wait… You're not Australian, are you?

4-3
Shea to Nate: You would love to have a cat to pet while you drink tea.

5-5
Jess: Is it just me or is he a nit-picky little bitch?

Josh: Someone marked me with a pen because he thought I was too close to him.

Jim to Josh: I bet you wore a lot of corduroy.

5-7
Nate: You can't bend reality. You're not in X-Men.

5-12
Quinn: Can I eat the rest of Ellie's corn dog?
Shaun: She licked the whole thing.

5-13
Nate: Does anyone else feel like we haven't done anything other than helping the guests?
Barb: Yeah, and I hate people.

Dad: Goodbye, whore.

6-1
Micah: Shake a cancer baby.

Mo: Fuck Holland.

6-2
Lance: My armpit tickles because you tickled it.

Lance: That guy doesn't know anyone. Should we talk to him? His pants are really tight in the back anyway.

Lance: They call me Ponyo and I fucking hate it.

6-7
Mom: It's like zapping ketchup: Hot-boiled barbecue sauce.

Nate: When it's late at night and I have to go to the kitchen for a glass of water- that's the song I sing.

6-9
Shea: How many burgers do you want?
Nate: Four if I'm feeling gutsy.
Shea: Jesus. Really?
Nate: Yeah. I'm fueled by self-loathing.

6-10
Barb: This is what the color brown would taste like.

Auden: It's going to be loud for us, and we're going to get an ear infection.

6-21
Stefphen: What is that? A lynx or something?

7-4
Rebecca: For breakfast this morning, I had like… licorice.

7-21
Josh: She doesn't check your work, does she?

7-22
Shea: It's like hiking for your brain.

7-28
Josh: Why do you have a machete?
Me: Why don't you have a machete?
Josh: Because I'm not leading the life of the Children of the Corn.

UNDATED:
Nate: You're really good at laughing.

Nate: Chortle, chortle, chortle. 

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Quotes: April 30th to December 31st

4-30
Tyler: Tom? I have a questions about tea.

Tyler to Tom: Do all British people have short arms?

5-7
Lance: I don't want water beetle friends….

5-16
Kidwell Hugs Dmitri: You're a big guy!
Kidwell Hugs Bryan Jones: You're a little guy!

5-23
Lance: I want to go out in a field and Sound-of-Music it.

5-29
Kyle Turner: Someone asked me what purpose cats serve… Let me put it this way, we bought 40 pounds of dog food… and zero pounds of cat food. That's all I'm saying…

6-8
Kelsey: Roley poley dumpy babies living off bagel bites.

6-17
Tracy: I'm going to have to drink a beer right here in the walmart parking lot.

6-18
Kendall: A beetle! A grasshopper! I love nature!

6-23
Tyler: I heard someone say "chillax" the other day and I almost punched him in the face.

6-29
Kyle Turner: You know that if you get too many artistic people in a room we all just end up painting each other...

7-23
Dad: It's like I have baby ass hair on my head.

8-7
Katie: Is your happy place full of unhappy people?

8-10
Peter Kromberg: These lies get more outrageous each year.

8-13
Mom to Nick: Does it not make you feel gay at all to judge the temperature of the bathroom water?

8-19
Mom: I like to play Sink the Splenda.

8-20
Tom! Look! Turkeys!
Tom: Dexety dang dang dang. I was so excited I didn't know what to say.

8-28
Cam P.: if and when you get married, could i sing at your wedding?

8-29
Mom: Percocet humor.

8-31
Elsie: I want to dry my hair outside in the wind.

9-8
Maria: He says his dad kicked him in the head when he was a kid.
Lauren: Like a lot?

9-13
Dad: I always wait for your smile. It makes me bright inside.

9-17
Joe from Rise Against: You going to the show tonight?
Me: I wish I could, but no.
Joe: Awe, then I don't want to go either.

10-8
Jake (covered in a Rams blanket): I'm a witch.
Me: You look more like a ghost.
Jake (still covered in the Rams blanket): I'm a ghost.

10-9
Starbucks guy: Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get started for you today?
Me: I actually need a minute if that's okay.
Starbucks guy: Sure take your time. Just let me know when you're ready.
Me: Okay thanks.
Starbucks guy: -starts humming the jeopardy theme song-
Me: ugh. You suck.

10-15
Jenn: Is that the town with the white squirrels?
Jessica: God, I hope so!

10-19
Me: What's that sound?
(the other) Micah: Wolves. Howling.

10-29
Me: It kind of hurts.
Dad: I know. It's like sucking in your brain.

10-30
Kristi: How special is it? Like on a scale of 1-10? Like 0 being plain toast and 10 being unicorns?

11-1
Dad: I gotta quit doing that. Now I'm dizzy.

11-4
Mike (age 8): Do you know what patience is?
Jake (age 3): I'm gonna beat you down.

11-13
Me to my dad: Do you like cherries?
Mom: I like cherries if they come in the form of pie.

11-17
Amanda: I'm breathing in my mouth from anger.

Amanda: It's like titanic smooth jazz.

11-24
Sue: It took my mom a year and a half to deliver.

Grandpa: There are several buckets of dirt.

Mom: That's a whole potato that didn't get mashed in.
Sue: I told you it was lumpy.

12-10
Aaron: What kind of coffee is this? I went to McDonald's once and didn't realize you have to do all that shit yourself.

Mo: I'm gonna touch your boob by the end of the night.

Mo: … shitting in the sink …

Mo: I was trying to heel-fight you. Just do it!

Mo to Eli: You look like a gay.

12-12
Mom: I got to use my tambourine today.

12-16
Mom: Greg got Mike a Chia Obama head.
Dad: But that's what I wanted…

12-21
Mom: You don't want to watch Justin Queerber
Dad: The Beibs?

12-25-11
Dad: Hun? I put hairspray under my arms. I don't know what to do.

Unknown Date:
Greg: I'm going to go choke on a button.