Quotes January 1, 2012 - August 31, 2012

1-3-12
Mom: I had a drug test and a TB test on my arm. They like me.

1-6
Julian: I stood up and could feel it in my legs.

Julian: You can't touch me while I'm touching myself.

1-26
Julian: It's a machine gun of happy beams.

1-18
Candace: You found him first. Besides, he's probably already in love with you. He'd be like, get away from me, vanilla wench! I already have my minty bride. I would be very happy for you. And attend the wedding. Looking for his brothers.

2-6
Matt A.: Can you take professional photos of me and my cat?

2-8
Mom: This is where they find the bodies.

2-11
Lance: Come. Hold this.

2-27
Jason: It's like getting punched right in the motivation.

3-1
Brenda after getting her change from the soda machine: It's Vegas!

3-10
ShaNae: What is wrong with these crazy whores?

Sue: She was just ugly. You just equated that with mean.

Sue: Who's taking so long at the brisket?

3-27
Paul to Jonny: You look like a dingo- Wait… You're not Australian, are you?

4-3
Shea to Nate: You would love to have a cat to pet while you drink tea.

5-5
Jess: Is it just me or is he a nit-picky little bitch?

Josh: Someone marked me with a pen because he thought I was too close to him.

Jim to Josh: I bet you wore a lot of corduroy.

5-7
Nate: You can't bend reality. You're not in X-Men.

5-12
Quinn: Can I eat the rest of Ellie's corn dog?
Shaun: She licked the whole thing.

5-13
Nate: Does anyone else feel like we haven't done anything other than helping the guests?
Barb: Yeah, and I hate people.

Dad: Goodbye, whore.

6-1
Micah: Shake a cancer baby.

Mo: Fuck Holland.

6-2
Lance: My armpit tickles because you tickled it.

Lance: That guy doesn't know anyone. Should we talk to him? His pants are really tight in the back anyway.

Lance: They call me Ponyo and I fucking hate it.

6-7
Mom: It's like zapping ketchup: Hot-boiled barbecue sauce.

Nate: When it's late at night and I have to go to the kitchen for a glass of water- that's the song I sing.

6-9
Shea: How many burgers do you want?
Nate: Four if I'm feeling gutsy.
Shea: Jesus. Really?
Nate: Yeah. I'm fueled by self-loathing.

6-10
Barb: This is what the color brown would taste like.

Auden: It's going to be loud for us, and we're going to get an ear infection.

6-21
Stefphen: What is that? A lynx or something?

7-4
Rebecca: For breakfast this morning, I had like… licorice.

7-21
Josh: She doesn't check your work, does she?

7-22
Shea: It's like hiking for your brain.

7-28
Josh: Why do you have a machete?
Me: Why don't you have a machete?
Josh: Because I'm not leading the life of the Children of the Corn.

UNDATED:
Nate: You're really good at laughing.

Nate: Chortle, chortle, chortle.