Friday, April 1, 2016

Quote List: First Quarter 2016

John: Notice anything different about my pants? I put a ruby in there.

Jeff: I come from an Italian family. There's a hierarchy.

Lucky about cyanide in snickers for annoying kids upstairs:
Our change of heart might be noticed at Halloween.

Steve R.: It's not enough fun unless someone's on molly.

Jeff: I'm a horny after-puker.

Mary: do I need to go tase someone?
Lucky.: ... She doesn't have a taser.

Jeff: We're not pregnant.

John: I feel like I look like the guy from Men's Warehouse.

Steve B.: We definitely need to send them a thank you melon... Just wondering about the logistics. Like do I take it to a post office and pretend it is a normal thing to do? Do I apologize when I tell them I need to mail it?

John: Totes ironi, bro.

Rob: I don't think she dabbles in dicks.

Me: You're the best.
Matt: Second best.
Me: Second to..?
Matt: Jesus Christ.

JB: What? What temperature is that? I guess we'll put it at magenta.

John: You got me all psyched up for sex and sleep and now you're all "let's go to a show and stay up until midnight."

Lauren: Look at this, this is how bored I am.

John: I don't know. He's probably a bear. He's more of a troll bear.

Jamie: Ooooh the fucking pickles. They're gonna kill us.

[Redacted]: A midget genie better come out of the bottle and jerk me off.

Jeff. I got fired, went home, put my fur on (cuz it hugs you back), got drunk, and played Fallout 4.

Jeff: Do I look like I play magic?

Johnna: Oh god. I knew there'd be throw up today.

Lauren: Why are they always sticky?

[Redacted]: I have a blender, but someone used it to chop pot... It was me.

Kathy Kelly about Aaron Draplin: He's the Bob Dylan of design.

Aaron Draplin: They spend their money on weed, and knives, and kayaks, and pants that zip down to shorts.

Aaron: It's colder than a mother-in-law's love.

Aaron: I have a lot of questions about Molly Ringwald

Aaron: The smallest jobs can be some of the coolest. Remember that.

Lauren: My mom never let me watch it.
Angie: You sheltered pony.

Rob: Take the drink. Leave the book.

Dad: I found a picture of Lisa, and I threw it away.

Angie: I wonder if we could catch a goose.

Johnna: The blonde lady that just sat down? Her lips look like they have hot dogs in them.

Requested by Johnna after an elderly woman came around collecting money in a jar:
Me: What is this for?
Johnna: The band.
Me: Oh. If she had cancer I would have given her something.

Johnna: That dude at the end of the bar? Profile? Yeah, pedophile.

Johnna: You have to feel like shit to feel good.

Me: Ooh! Grapefruit!
Johnna: Mine tastes like Chlorox.

Me: Where is the rest of your family?
Mike: They went to the emergency room. My mom might have diabetes.

Katie: There's a book in here you'd like; "Rediscovering Jesus."

Diane: I don't think Chinese people can fly.

Diane: I don't know what that word is. It's like I'm reading the bible.