1-3-12
Mom: I had a drug test and a TB test on my arm. They like me.
1-6
Julian: I stood up and could feel it in my legs.
Julian: You can't touch me while I'm touching myself.
1-26
Julian: It's a machine gun of happy beams.
1-18
Candace: You found him first. Besides, he's probably already in love with you. He'd be like, get away from me, vanilla wench! I already have my minty bride. I would be very happy for you. And attend the wedding. Looking for his brothers.
2-6
Matt A.: Can you take professional photos of me and my cat?
2-8
Mom: This is where they find the bodies.
2-11
Lance: Come. Hold this.
2-27
Jason: It's like getting punched right in the motivation.
3-1
Brenda after getting her change from the soda machine: It's Vegas!
3-10
ShaNae: What is wrong with these crazy whores?
Sue: She was just ugly. You just equated that with mean.
Sue: Who's taking so long at the brisket?
3-27
Paul to Jonny: You look like a dingo- Wait… You're not Australian, are you?
4-3
Shea to Nate: You would love to have a cat to pet while you drink tea.
5-5
Jess: Is it just me or is he a nit-picky little bitch?
Josh: Someone marked me with a pen because he thought I was too close to him.
Jim to Josh: I bet you wore a lot of corduroy.
5-7
Nate: You can't bend reality. You're not in X-Men.
5-12
Quinn: Can I eat the rest of Ellie's corn dog?
Shaun: She licked the whole thing.
5-13
Nate: Does anyone else feel like we haven't done anything other than helping the guests?
Barb: Yeah, and I hate people.
Dad: Goodbye, whore.
6-1
Micah: Shake a cancer baby.
Mo: Fuck Holland.
6-2
Lance: My armpit tickles because you tickled it.
Lance: That guy doesn't know anyone. Should we talk to him? His pants are really tight in the back anyway.
Lance: They call me Ponyo and I fucking hate it.
6-7
Mom: It's like zapping ketchup: Hot-boiled barbecue sauce.
Nate: When it's late at night and I have to go to the kitchen for a glass of water- that's the song I sing.
6-9
Shea: How many burgers do you want?
Nate: Four if I'm feeling gutsy.
Shea: Jesus. Really?
Nate: Yeah. I'm fueled by self-loathing.
6-10
Barb: This is what the color brown would taste like.
Auden: It's going to be loud for us, and we're going to get an ear infection.
6-21
Stefphen: What is that? A lynx or something?
7-4
Rebecca: For breakfast this morning, I had like… licorice.
7-21
Josh: She doesn't check your work, does she?
7-22
Shea: It's like hiking for your brain.
7-28
Josh: Why do you have a machete?
Me: Why don't you have a machete?
Josh: Because I'm not leading the life of the Children of the Corn.
UNDATED:
Nate: You're really good at laughing.
Nate: Chortle, chortle, chortle.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Quotes: April 30th to December 31st
4-30
Tyler: Tom? I have a questions about tea.
Tyler to Tom: Do all British people have short arms?
5-7
Lance: I don't want water beetle friends….
5-16
Kidwell Hugs Dmitri: You're a big guy!
Kidwell Hugs Bryan Jones: You're a little guy!
5-23
Lance: I want to go out in a field and Sound-of-Music it.
5-29
Kyle Turner: Someone asked me what purpose cats serve… Let me put it this way, we bought 40 pounds of dog food… and zero pounds of cat food. That's all I'm saying…
6-8
Kelsey: Roley poley dumpy babies living off bagel bites.
6-17
Tracy: I'm going to have to drink a beer right here in the walmart parking lot.
6-18
Kendall: A beetle! A grasshopper! I love nature!
6-23
Tyler: I heard someone say "chillax" the other day and I almost punched him in the face.
6-29
Kyle Turner: You know that if you get too many artistic people in a room we all just end up painting each other...
7-23
Dad: It's like I have baby ass hair on my head.
8-7
Katie: Is your happy place full of unhappy people?
8-10
Peter Kromberg: These lies get more outrageous each year.
8-13
Mom to Nick: Does it not make you feel gay at all to judge the temperature of the bathroom water?
8-19
Mom: I like to play Sink the Splenda.
8-20
Tom! Look! Turkeys!
Tom: Dexety dang dang dang. I was so excited I didn't know what to say.
8-28
Cam P.: if and when you get married, could i sing at your wedding?
8-29
Mom: Percocet humor.
8-31
Elsie: I want to dry my hair outside in the wind.
9-8
Maria: He says his dad kicked him in the head when he was a kid.
Lauren: Like a lot?
9-13
Dad: I always wait for your smile. It makes me bright inside.
9-17
Joe from Rise Against: You going to the show tonight?
Me: I wish I could, but no.
Joe: Awe, then I don't want to go either.
10-8
Jake (covered in a Rams blanket): I'm a witch.
Me: You look more like a ghost.
Jake (still covered in the Rams blanket): I'm a ghost.
10-9
Starbucks guy: Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get started for you today?
Me: I actually need a minute if that's okay.
Starbucks guy: Sure take your time. Just let me know when you're ready.
Me: Okay thanks.
Starbucks guy: -starts humming the jeopardy theme song-
Me: ugh. You suck.
10-15
Jenn: Is that the town with the white squirrels?
Jessica: God, I hope so!
10-19
Me: What's that sound?
(the other) Micah: Wolves. Howling.
10-29
Me: It kind of hurts.
Dad: I know. It's like sucking in your brain.
10-30
Kristi: How special is it? Like on a scale of 1-10? Like 0 being plain toast and 10 being unicorns?
11-1
Dad: I gotta quit doing that. Now I'm dizzy.
11-4
Mike (age 8): Do you know what patience is?
Jake (age 3): I'm gonna beat you down.
11-13
Me to my dad: Do you like cherries?
Mom: I like cherries if they come in the form of pie.
11-17
Amanda: I'm breathing in my mouth from anger.
Amanda: It's like titanic smooth jazz.
11-24
Sue: It took my mom a year and a half to deliver.
Grandpa: There are several buckets of dirt.
Mom: That's a whole potato that didn't get mashed in.
Sue: I told you it was lumpy.
12-10
Aaron: What kind of coffee is this? I went to McDonald's once and didn't realize you have to do all that shit yourself.
Mo: I'm gonna touch your boob by the end of the night.
Mo: … shitting in the sink …
Mo: I was trying to heel-fight you. Just do it!
Mo to Eli: You look like a gay.
12-12
Mom: I got to use my tambourine today.
12-16
Mom: Greg got Mike a Chia Obama head.
Dad: But that's what I wanted…
12-21
Mom: You don't want to watch Justin Queerber
Dad: The Beibs?
12-25-11
Dad: Hun? I put hairspray under my arms. I don't know what to do.
Unknown Date:
Greg: I'm going to go choke on a button.
Tyler: Tom? I have a questions about tea.
Tyler to Tom: Do all British people have short arms?
5-7
Lance: I don't want water beetle friends….
5-16
Kidwell Hugs Dmitri: You're a big guy!
Kidwell Hugs Bryan Jones: You're a little guy!
5-23
Lance: I want to go out in a field and Sound-of-Music it.
5-29
Kyle Turner: Someone asked me what purpose cats serve… Let me put it this way, we bought 40 pounds of dog food… and zero pounds of cat food. That's all I'm saying…
6-8
Kelsey: Roley poley dumpy babies living off bagel bites.
6-17
Tracy: I'm going to have to drink a beer right here in the walmart parking lot.
6-18
Kendall: A beetle! A grasshopper! I love nature!
6-23
Tyler: I heard someone say "chillax" the other day and I almost punched him in the face.
6-29
Kyle Turner: You know that if you get too many artistic people in a room we all just end up painting each other...
7-23
Dad: It's like I have baby ass hair on my head.
8-7
Katie: Is your happy place full of unhappy people?
8-10
Peter Kromberg: These lies get more outrageous each year.
8-13
Mom to Nick: Does it not make you feel gay at all to judge the temperature of the bathroom water?
8-19
Mom: I like to play Sink the Splenda.
8-20
Tom! Look! Turkeys!
Tom: Dexety dang dang dang. I was so excited I didn't know what to say.
8-28
Cam P.: if and when you get married, could i sing at your wedding?
8-29
Mom: Percocet humor.
8-31
Elsie: I want to dry my hair outside in the wind.
9-8
Maria: He says his dad kicked him in the head when he was a kid.
Lauren: Like a lot?
9-13
Dad: I always wait for your smile. It makes me bright inside.
9-17
Joe from Rise Against: You going to the show tonight?
Me: I wish I could, but no.
Joe: Awe, then I don't want to go either.
10-8
Jake (covered in a Rams blanket): I'm a witch.
Me: You look more like a ghost.
Jake (still covered in the Rams blanket): I'm a ghost.
10-9
Starbucks guy: Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get started for you today?
Me: I actually need a minute if that's okay.
Starbucks guy: Sure take your time. Just let me know when you're ready.
Me: Okay thanks.
Starbucks guy: -starts humming the jeopardy theme song-
Me: ugh. You suck.
10-15
Jenn: Is that the town with the white squirrels?
Jessica: God, I hope so!
10-19
Me: What's that sound?
(the other) Micah: Wolves. Howling.
10-29
Me: It kind of hurts.
Dad: I know. It's like sucking in your brain.
10-30
Kristi: How special is it? Like on a scale of 1-10? Like 0 being plain toast and 10 being unicorns?
11-1
Dad: I gotta quit doing that. Now I'm dizzy.
11-4
Mike (age 8): Do you know what patience is?
Jake (age 3): I'm gonna beat you down.
11-13
Me to my dad: Do you like cherries?
Mom: I like cherries if they come in the form of pie.
11-17
Amanda: I'm breathing in my mouth from anger.
Amanda: It's like titanic smooth jazz.
11-24
Sue: It took my mom a year and a half to deliver.
Grandpa: There are several buckets of dirt.
Mom: That's a whole potato that didn't get mashed in.
Sue: I told you it was lumpy.
12-10
Aaron: What kind of coffee is this? I went to McDonald's once and didn't realize you have to do all that shit yourself.
Mo: I'm gonna touch your boob by the end of the night.
Mo: … shitting in the sink …
Mo: I was trying to heel-fight you. Just do it!
Mo to Eli: You look like a gay.
12-12
Mom: I got to use my tambourine today.
12-16
Mom: Greg got Mike a Chia Obama head.
Dad: But that's what I wanted…
12-21
Mom: You don't want to watch Justin Queerber
Dad: The Beibs?
12-25-11
Dad: Hun? I put hairspray under my arms. I don't know what to do.
Unknown Date:
Greg: I'm going to go choke on a button.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)