Quote List: Fourth Quarter 2015

9-28
Lauren: I'm about to drink my dirt right now.

9-29
Lauren: I don't like cinnamon that much. ...I had a bad experience with a cookie.

Me (requested by Rob): I feel like this is asking for a lot of dick fingers.

10-1
Rob: It's a superpower, Abby, not an STD.

10-3
AIDS is funny.

10-4
Rob: I don't cuddle with racists.

Rob: You kind of packed like a woman for two days.
Jeff: I didn't know what the weather was going to be like!

10-14
Rob: An ass is for sitting and pooping. It is not for touching!

10-15
Rob: in comparison to alcohol, water will make you angry.

10-22
Brent about our design abilities: Sometimes you guys use your powers for evil.

11-5
Kelly about her martini: It's better. I added several packets of sugar.

11-6 
Rob: Rock the pear.

Rob: That's the kind of bitch I'm trying to kick.

Rob: If I had another hotdog, I'd eat it at you

Rob: I don't wanna be Houdini. He died by being under water so long. Right?

11-8
Ryan: I fabreezed my hair.

11-12
Suzanne: Brandy for breakfast.

11-13 
Lauren: Petsmart is having a sale. 50% off bearded dragons.

Joe: How NSFW is it?
Cmats: Just some light fisting.

11-17
Matt B.: Instagram has a lot of "spiritual moms," I've noticed.

Woodge: I love that Canada also has white trash.

11-21
Me: Following you isn't exactly sunshine and puppies.
Rob: That's because you drive a sooped up golf cart.

11-25
Diane Gibbs: Eat well, visually.

11-27
John: Just imagine we're in a canoe.
Me: I don't think this is what a canoe feels like.
John: ...we're in a gondola.

11-28
Jim: I can't. I have to butter the biscuits.
Mom: Call them biscuits one more fucking time and I'm going to kick you in the throat.

Caroline: Does she have AAA?
Jim: No. She got rid of Milton a long time ago.

12-2
Angie: Do you guys know how to scissor?

12-5 
Jeff: I mean they are mermaid crayons. They better all sparkle!

Rob: Are you waltzing to Missy Elliot?

Jeff: It's a sleeper sushi restaurant.

12-10
Josh: Imagine I'm trying to hug you through the computer now.

John about the pillow he's suddenly on: Let's just share it.

12-19
Rob: The Fitbit lifestyle. Let me tell you about that...

Rob: Cops can't deal with ghosts.

12-24
Woodge: My ex boyfriend, Ben, used to chimney sweep his house.

12-26
Nick: You and I have the same intestional issues when it comes to Subway lettuce. 

Quotes: Third Quarter, 2015

6-26 
Eric Melin: That's me with the tennis racket dressed like Gene Simmons. 

Eric: We are changed. 

Jason Elm: They're a hateraid drinking group of folks. 

Brendan O'Shaughnessy: Work like a captain. Play like a pirate. 

7-22
Me: Please tell me there are sloth memes.
Lauren: There are, and I found all of them. 

7-23
Lauren: You shut your mouth, man girl!

Jonny: Are you a dad perchance?
Dane: Fuck no! Just an exceptionally immature 23 year old. 
Jonny: Acceptable. 
Dane: The only children I'm interested in are my cats. 

Lauren: "Thanks for setting us up!" This is not a setup! This is a casual encounter! 

Lauren: That sip tasted like dirt. 

7-31 
Alex: He's looking at photos of... Is that bacon or steak?
Rob: it's sickle cell anemia. 

Woodge: I feel like it would be a good addition to my deep fry Barbie McDonald's.

Woodge: I need a giraffe on my head. 

8-5 
Rob: I think you're pretty grandeur. 

8-8 
Me: They were just talking about you. 
Ryan: Do they think I'm cute? 

8-9 
Rob after burping at a bag in his hand: I was speaking to these ancient beans in their ancient tongue.

8-19
Jason Elm: I had chances to leave, but never a reason. 

Jason: They can take your execution, but they can never take your idea. 

Jason: Capabilities don't give you expertise. 

Jason: Compromise up.

8-21 
Joey: Bitches have night vision. 

8-25 
Suzanne: Maybe that's the key—we need to get our clients high. 
Angie: I'll just be over here rolling for you guys. 

9-4 
Steve: we can walk through there if you want to smell like axe body spray for the next week. 

9-5 
Nick: Hey, Spencer! Want some whiskey and coke? 
Spencer: uh, duh! -takes the whole glass- 

9-11
Mom: Pelicans are assholes, but adorable to look at. 

9-13
Rob: Fine art's not going camping. 

9-18
Rob: And I can see daylight in her crotch area! 

Quotes: Second Quarter, 2015

4-6
Rob: I watched a three-minute commercial on the internet today. It was for Friskies.

4-16
Jason: What's up with this little pile of chocolate, granola, and Tums?

4-25
Mom: Her legs are very wrinkly, like ET wrinkly.

4-30
Rob: I had a realization the other day at IKEA... Butterfly tattoos are a deal breaker.

Rob: I was not born an old man.

5-9

Lyn: It's like having an orgasm.

5-10 

Dad: Are U2 queer?

5-11 

Mom: I am not a touch fucker.

5-11 

Woodge: I like the holocaust

Woodge: Honey, you've dated a couple of lost boys.

5-16 

Me: You have a website?
Jake: You didn't google me?

5-21 

Jake: A4 is mathematically sexy.

5-23
Me: I'd be okay if the zombie apocalypse happened today.
Rob: ...I don't have that many bullets.

Me: I'm going to start sending you boxes of stuff.
Rob: Yes! I love boxes. They can even be empty.

5-24

Ryan: He plays a fife.

5-31
Rob: This sandwich is going to be messy.

Me: That's okay, I'll just eat it with a fork.
Rob: No! You cannot eat it with a fork!
Me: Why does that bother you so much?
Rob: Because we have forks! Right here! -spirit fingers-

Rob: Close your eyes. Smell this. Doesn't that make you want to be a pirate?

6-5 

Rob: You're basically walking through a sea of worthless.

Rob: Punch him in the dick like a grown woman.

6-6 

Rob: I am laughing like a crazy person alone in my apartment.

6-12 

Nick Garvey: Why does everyone that shops at Walmart look like toes?

6-17 

Alistair: I'm just an immigrant.

6-24
Brooke: All we did is hunt and forage.
Lauren: I thought you said, "all we ate was porridge."

6-25
Brooke: Do you have walker's cough, Lauren?

Steve: One of my big goals in life right now is to chill with a penguin. 

Quotes: First Quarter 2015

1-5
Jesus: You're the most sophisticated robot I've ever met.

1-9
Bartender at Manifesto after a woman laughs obnoxiously one too many times: 
Jesus Christ with this lady!

Bartender at Manifesto: He was a belligerent whistler.

1-10
Steve: We're like the United Nations of the Midwest.

1-21
Steve: Where'd you get it at? The podcast store?

2-7
Jeff: Hi, I'm Spider-Man.

Jeff: My body loves pollen.

JB: Do you have the lighter?
Jeff: It's blue, or it's green. It should stick out.
JB: That's not the question that I asked you.

2-8
JB: We don't set the table. That's what the help does.

2-13
Rob: I'm a cheap Jew bastard, and I'm not even Jewish.

2-14
Mom: I'm eating icing out of the can with a fork.

2-15
Rob: The water pressure is like a kid peeing on you.

2-15
Rob: I have Internet on my phone.

2-17

2-20
Ron: If you had one wish...
Me: -goes into a detailed explanation of my one wish for the podcast-
Steve: I would COMPLETELY second that, but if I had a second wish...

1-23
Kristen: My hand looks like it got scratched by a cat, but really I just wore a really sparkly dress.

2-28
Rob: I don't pray, but I'll hope to Satan.

Rob: I'm not above that; I'll beat up a homeless man.

3-1
Max: No corporate Bambi face.

3-6
Johnna: My pants just unbuttoned.

Johnna: I do not have plastic legs.

3-7
Max: That's what Mickey Mouse says about liquor.

Cavery: I punted a cat once.

3-11
Jason: What's going on here? What kind of Amish are these?!

3-13
Nick: I know you well enough to know that it's the April Ludgate Dwyer factor of your personality

3-16
Arla CEO: We're a very liberal country. Inventors of porn. ...back in '68.

3-17
Nicole: Am I going to suffocate? I have to sleep facing up so I don't die! They're too fluffy!

3-21
Rob: It's because he has wizard powers.

3-23
Rob: I seriously got distracted by her head. 

Quotes: Third & Fourth Quarter 2014

7-10

Anthony: My head's on the path. Someone's gonna run it over.

7-17

Anthony: You're snark. Just go full Tony Snark on her.

7-17

Johnna: Dude, Pocahontas is fucking hot.

Julie: Am I playing against Xena warrior princess?

7-22

Rachel: You're more of the Cinderella-holding-a-grenade type.

7-31

Woodge: What can P&L stand for? Pussy and lighter fluid.

8-7

Jason: I thought I'd be drinking a bunch of beer, but I ended up drinking a bunch of tea. What am I doing? Do you have some whiskey to put in here? Because I'm kind of feeling lame.

9-4

Timothy Goodman: 

9-16

Joshua: I hate to admit this as a guy, but pink stuff always tastes better.

10-3

Mo: I was like a ninja... With my pants down.

10-4

Chris C.: Lotta disableds.

10-6

Lyn: I'm seeing cactus!

10-16

Steve: Did I miss the dick butts?

10-19

Kyle: You mean all I have to do is give three hours of work for a sticker? I'm in.

10-21

Johnna: I'm over here having demon talk with my friend Brycen.

11-7

Hung Liu: A part of me always looks up to see the sky.

11-14

Matt: You guys wanna go to a white Walmart?

11-15

Johnna: He's better when he's sad.

11-27

Dad: I've never lived in Ferguson.

12-5

Nick: Thank you, young man.

Jake: You're welcome, large child.

12-6

Katie: You have awkwardly warm hands.

Caroline to Maryanne referring to a veil for church: Do I have to put something on my head?

12-8
Me: Are you trying to fist bump or punch me?

Jesús: Clearly I'm punching you, but it's loving, like a boxer who can't flirt properly.

12-13

Alex: I only use my gun to kill things.

12-19

Tad: I'm from Kansas City fucking Missouri.

12-22

Nicole: It's just misting. I feel like I'm in the produce isle.

12-28

Dad after changing outfits too many times: I'm going to have to take another shower.

Dad: You got your girdles and things, and I've got my underwear.

12-31
Nathan: For my birthday, can I have some drugs?

Max: What kind of drugs?

Nathan: Allergy drugs.

Cavery: ...and your name is Sheldon.